Co-op and Romance

The title sums up my life, but more of the first than the second. Lots of working, lots of hating it, not a lot of romance. Lots of stress, a bit of drama. I promise to start posting more often.

Ok, so at co-op i got in trouble for sending an e-mail that was meant for my freidns to my boss and his boss and his boss and two other researchers by accident. It was like 2 lines and it was part of a running inside joke with my friends at other companies, but they didnt appreciate it at all. I swear, if i get that uptight ever in my life, i want to be shot. So my boss decides to have this meeting with me and it turned out to be all about everything i was doing wrong. First of all, i was hired for a job that i am totallyunqualified for, which is his fault and not mine. So i been trying my best but apparently he is all dissappointed cus he is expecting me to know all this biochemistry and my background is in biomechanics and physical science. But that is getting better. I may quit at the end of the term, but its getting better. He and i were having communication issues and since we worked on that we are both happier. Whats funny though is that me and my friends (3 other girls) e-mail each other all day at work and we write these crazy poems abuot everything. I have them saved to a word file and i will be posting some in my profile so keep an eye out. They are hilarious.

On the romance side.... there isnt much to talk about. I am still single and still dating a couple people, but still in love with the one that broke my heart. I broke my prime dating directive and started dating someone that i already dated in the past. I have a strict rule against recycling relationships. But that is going fine so maybe its a stupid rule.

Other than that my life is just sims and going out with my friend. This past weekend we went out friday and saturday and got out of control drunk both nights which i regret but she is able to laugh off. But its fun to go out with friends and not be thinkin abt some guy at home. So i guess thats the bright side. The thing is that thinking abt that guy at home was what was keeping me in line. He was a good influence. Anyway, that was just an update posting for those who care. I will be posting more in the future, hopefully more regularly also.

Its not easy being single

I know i said i would stop posting about my love life (and/or the lack thereof) but i am going to even this one out with another post about something else.

Being single is hard. I see why people dont do it that often. Sometimes i wonder why we get into relationships at all. Why do we even bother with the stresses of creating an exclusive relationship with one person. Then i end up single again and i remember: dating is hard and complicated, meeting people and getting to know someone new is difficult and frustrating, flirting is risky. Everything about dating is inconsistent and poorly defined, especially at the beginning.

I do still love my ex, but its been over a month and i am starting to come to terms with the fact that we may just not get back together. Or that if we do it may be a long time from now. So i am starting to explore my options and as i am doing so i am running into a number of problems.

First, i went out the other night with my girl friend. Back when i was committed i didnt go to a lot of parties without my BF. Dancing with other guys kinda felt like cheating and i didnt like it. The problem is that it still does. I dont want anyones hands on me, i dont want to be all close to strange men. So its hard to go to a club and even have a good time.

Second, i forgot how to flirt. Theres a guy that i am pretty sure is interested in me, and i would like to get to know him better. The problem here is that, after being with one man for over two years, i dont even know what to say to someone in that respect. My vocabulary when it comes to flirting basically consists of "No" and "I have a boyfriend, sorry" or "back off! i am with someone", then the always effective walking away. Besides the fact that i am pretty shy, if i was forward enough to try to ask him out or something, i wouldnt even know what to say to him besides "get in the damn car, we are goin out now". I am sure thats not how its supposed to sound.

Then theres that great fear of rejection. Or the possibility that the person you are out with is completely insane. You just never know. Its such an emotional strain to be in such an inconsistent state. I feel like a divorcee whos pathetically floundering attempts to rejoin the dating pool are just making them look sad and pathetic. Like a fishout of water. And its a lot like that. I used to live in a nice cozy little pond, and now i am tossed into some crazy raging rapids or something. Thats a stupid analogy. See, being single makes you bad writer too. All this is to say, if you are tryin to decide between being single and beinga couple, go with the second one cus its just freakin easier.

Promo

This is a shameless promotion of an up-and-coming bookclub at my school. If you are reading this and you go to Drexel and you are interested in being a part of a book club, join up. Its very diverse and we have something for everyone, we read all sorts of books so its a great way to expand your horizons and its motivaion to make time for recreational reading in your busy schedule. On the group website is all the info you will need: scheduled reading and links to buy each book, meetig dates and times, and a point of contact for members and officers.



Click to join drexelbookclub

What a girl wants.

Since my new singledom has generated some interest among readers (that one comment from like 2 weeks ago) i decided to give a short and honest description of what i look for in a relationship. I speak from experience upon experience, and from my heart.

I want:
someone to talk to and to be with, someone who will keep me company. Someone understanding: i have my moods, i dont want to always have to apologize for them. I want someone to cheer me up when i am sad and someone who can tell me how great i am when i need that. I wnat reciporication: someone that is as happy with me as i am with them and someone as interested in pleasing me as i am in pleasing them. I want someone that knows me well, and, if they dont, someone who will take that time to get to know me and put in effort to remember what they learn. I want someone that appreciates the things i do for them, big and small, someone who knows when to say "thank you". I want someone i can actually have fun with, someone i can have a good time with around other people too. I want someone caring and sincere, honest and mature, gentle and kind, playful, present, and gracious.

before i get any strange anonymous messages: no, i am not taking applicants at this time. I had a rough day and this is how i feel, i promise no more mushy blog entries. My life doesnt revolve around romance, contrary to the theme of my last few psotings.

What have i become?

I had a revelation today. I remember once years ago someone told me that when you travel abroad you should buy a few extra pairs of jeans because jeans arent common in some other countries and people will pay a lot for them depending on where you are. They told me about a trip to somewhere, i dont remember exactly, where they were selling jeans for $100 and i thought that these people were crazy for buying something that is worth like $20 for 5 times as much.

Fast forward to the present, i am thinking about what to wear when i go out with my friend this weekend and i realize that all the pants i am considering wearing to this party cost me more than $100. Up to $250 i paid for pants!!! Now, dont get me wrong, my whole wardrobe isnt made up of expensive clothes. Most of my other clothes cost me under $40, a large percentage cost under $10 (usually when i shop i keep a strict $30 limit for clothes and $50 limit for shoes). But i have a pair of Citizen's jeans, a pair of Diesel, some Armani pants and some George Bernard pants that i at some point felt compelled to buy. I dont regret it, i love the clothes. When you buy designer its easier to find pants that come in your length in your size (i am like a 27X35). After years of taking the hem out of things, you learn to value pants made for long thin legs.

But still, this struck me as ironic. How much could my $250 pants really be worth? in cloth and labor, maybe like $35 (assuming that whoever they used to make them was actualy paid). They cost origionally $1700 but i got them at the Neiman Marcus outlet and they were on sale there too cus they only had 2 pairs left, so $250 was, like, a steal. And thats SAD!

Short story

Theres so much going on in my life right now: I just started a new job, i just started a new year as an RA, i broke up with the man i thought i was going to marry. I am in the middle of planning two events for my building (RA stuff). I am really evaluating what makes me happy and what i need in my life. There is a wealth of drama to write about, but instead i am going to share a little story about my first day of work, and contrary to habit i promise to keep it short.

On my first day of work i decided to go buiness fashionable. I wore a pair of tan culots and my tall brown western boots, a black shirt and my black blazer wtih tan pinstripes. sharp. i come in feeling all confident in a room of people wearing chinos. I love that feeling when you are dressed noticibly well, but not overdressed. Sorry, i get vain sometimes. not often. Back to the point

SO my bos comes tot he gate to let me in (i dont have a security badge because its my first day) and we have to walk over to the building where my lab is. And, like the graceful genius i am, i trip down the stairs and almost take him with me. I stabilize myself and try to play it off all coy lik e"i'm ok". He looks at me and goes "no, i dont think you are". Before i get offended i realize the heel had completely snapped off my boot. MY 3" heel was laying on the steps next to him.

I spent the rest of the day hobbling around like an idiot. and whats worse is that the way i was walking so strained one leg that it is sore today and i am still limping, this time with matching shoes.

More Dreams

For those of you that dont know. A month or so ago.... probably likke 2 months. i am too lazy to check. So a while ago i was having these terribly vivid dreams every night that were interfering with my sleep. That all had stopped for a while, but last night i had one. This one wasnt all incoherent, it was quite real.

It was one of those dreams where you get something you really want then wake up all confused at first because you dont know if it happened or not. So now i have this dark cloud over my day because now i am sure it didnt happen for real. Every few minutes i go back over the dream in my mind and it makes me happy, but then i am sad again when reality strikes.

Here is the point where i wish my blog was a little more anonymous. Because i cant tell you my dream because people that know me are reading this. So i am sorry this entry was so vague. I wonder if you can relate though?

I thought this was hilarious. A lot of people offer you advice when you are an RA in a freshman dorm. Here is my friend explaining to me how i should run my first floor meeting. She was also telling me earlier how to do check-ins... seomthing like "heres your key, i'm the RA, go toyour room and stay there till classes, biotch".

S Uga RpE A: you give yor welcome to college speach
Natrl Sugar: tomorow
Natrl Sugar: first floor meeting
S Uga RpE A: don'tdrink
S Uga RpE A: don't smoke
S Uga RpE A: no sex
S Uga RpE A: stay in your room
S Uga RpE A: here's your address
S Uga RpE A: ask your parents for food
S Uga RpE A: i'll eat it all for you
S Uga RpE A: if they send money
S Uga RpE A: i'll take care of that too
S Uga RpE A: welcome to drexel
Natrl Sugar: LOL. youre crazy
Natrl Sugar: why no sex??
S Uga RpE A: cause i said so

So far in my dorm all the pillows i put on the couches in my lounge were stolen and my vacuum cleaner is missing. I will be updating more about my experiences. check it.

Transition

I have been thinking a lot about the changes that go on in peoples lives and how they come about. Probably because my closest relationship is changing right before my eyes and i dont know how i feel about it.

This morning one of my resident's dad (who was staying with her in the dorms the past 2 days) caught me by the elevator on teh way out and asked me about how safe a school Drexel is. I am thinking "here we go... another rich white guy scared to let his little princess live in proximity to a black neighborhood" Just because people are black and some people are poor doesnt mean that anyone wants anything to do with his daughter. So i tried to hold back and give him the benefit of the doubt. I looked him in the eye and said nothing, waiting for him to clarify. When i do that people usually think about what they are about to say to me, so i do it a lot. But this guy had a whole 'nother concern.

He was worried about his daughter living in a building with 240 freshman guys. Freshman guys are the worst kind. They get out of their parents house and do the stupidest things just because they can. Stuff they would never do at home like drawing penises on the bulletin boards and other stupid crap. I like being an RA and i like freshman girls, but the guys i cant stand and have no patience for. Apparently the resident had gotten some pretty crude messages on her wipe board to the point where she just decided to take it down altogether.

So i was thinking. There is a huge difference between the mentality of a freshman guy and an upperclassman. Its the same in high school. Not so much for girls though. Here is where i would have the brilliant insight portino of my post but i am really clueless as to what happens in one short year to change the guys that i despise into the ones that are cool. Maybe any of my male readers can help me out on that one.

So like i was saying. My relationship is changing. I am a pretty high maintenance girl. I like to have my BF around all the time, i like for him to do and say things that make me feel good and happy. I feel entitled to this for 2 reasons: if you arent gonna make me happy, why the hell would i waste my time on you, and i am a really good and giving girlfreind, i think i deserve reciprocation on all my effort. SO whats been changing is that i dont see my BF and he still hasnt made up for our last arguement and i truthfully couldnt care one way or the other. He moved to a dorm in center city and its a good 10 minute drive to go see him, besides the fact that there is no parking where he lives. He has a night job and i am gonna be on co-op all day. We are officially in a long-distance relationship and it doesnt matter to me. And that isnt how i operate so i dont know what is going on in my head. So all this is to say really that things change and chage so mysteriously. I just gotta wait i guess to see if this is one of those good changes or a bad one.

Back in Business

I know i haven't posted in a while. There has been so much going on with me! I had RA training all this past week. I am an RA in Kelly hal this year. Just that and getting my floor prepared for freshmen to move in, along with getting my room ready for me to live in has been tough. I had an exceptional time at 6 flags on saturday with the RLO staff. It was cold and it drizzled on and off all day so hardly anyone was there. I rode most of the roller coasters twice. And i got on Nitro 5 times in a row. It was awesome! I also joined Drexel's Multicultural Student Advisory Board.

I am not going to get into specifics about everything that happened while i was taking my blogger break because the facts are not fresh in my mind, but the past week and a half were pretty great for me and i am all amped up to start the year. I will definitely be keeping my blog updated starting now. So keep checking back!

My Big Cous

Only half my family lives in teh US. My mom is from around here, she was born in Jersey and grew up in Philly and Bensalem. Her side of the family lives either around here or in Georgia and some in Cleveland. My dad, on the other hand, is from the islands. Hes from St. Vincent and the Grenadines, a small group of islands near Barbados, the largest of which is smaller than Philadelphia. One of his sisters lives in Canada, another in England, and all the rest are still in teh islands. As you can imagine, i am far less familiar with my dad's side of the family than my mom's, some of those relatives i have only met once in my life and some never at all. But i am pretty close to my cousin from England.

Laura is my big cousin (by just over a year). I met her for the first time when i was 6 and she was 7 and she came to visit for a summer and stayed with my family. It was great for me because i am an only child and i always wanted a sister, so i remember that summer fondly. My grandmother (my dad's mom) also came up from St. Vincent that summer. That was the first time i saw my Granny and the first time i met Laura. Laura and i got together two more times after that. Once when i was 12 or 13 both our families went to canada to meet with my dad's sister that lives tehre and her family. We went to Caribana and it was a lot of fun. Then when i was 17 my parents took me to Europe for graduation and we stayed with Laura's family.

So this past week was only the 4th time in my life i have seen my cousin face to face and i was just amazed at how well we got along. She came down from Boston (where she is staying with a friend from school) on Monday afternoon and just went back yesterday at 5. We have a lot in common and we understand each other well. She came with her friend from Boston and i took them shopping and out to Pod and down to south street. Me and Laura went to get our hair done together and the two of them went out with one of my friends who is 21 to old city. It was tough because i had exams to study for, so i was up studying in the wee hours of the morning while they were sleeping, and i had to cut out of shopping early to get back to campus and take an exam. But all in all it was a really great visit and i was so sad to see her go!

I figure its hard for my dad like this all the time because he doesnt have any blood relatives here in the states except for me. It makes me sad to know that a whole half of my family i am so unfamiliar with, its probably sad for my dad too. But at least i got my big cous, and i plan to visit her soon after graduation!

Feeling super-blah

I am really effected by the weather. When its sunny i feel good and when its cloudy i feel crappy and its cloudy out right now. I found out recently that i may have bipolar disorder, and this sensitivity to weather changes is one of my symptoms. Ten percent of all people diagnosed with bipolar disorder die of suicide. %50 of all people diagnosed develop more severe psychological disorders later in life. I am not diagnosed, i just thought these statics were pretty interesting. It interests me that a disease can increases your chances of death at your own hand. It turns out that a lot of psychological disorders have that same effect and usually medical treatment doesnt help, but counseling does.

So anyway, i told my mom when it was suggested that i may be bipolar. My mom was naturally concerned. She directed me to this really interesting study about underrepresented minority students, particularly black women, and psychological ailments in the college years. I wish i had the paper now to link you to, but she pinted it out for me so i dont know where she got it. Anyhow, this study showed that there were certain very subtle psychological pressures on black women in college that lead them to develop pseudo disorders. Like they suffered from all the symptoms of bipolar disorder, were diagnosed by a doctor and some even administered medication for their problem, for something that wasnt really there. The apparent disorders were temporary having an onset in the early college years and not lasting much after graduation.

Living in todays' world we may not be able to understand how just being a black woman in college can effect your psyche so deeply. I find it humbling to consider that just two generations ago, when my grandparents were my age, they could not attend Drexel University. Just in the 70's when my mom was in high school, they finished the plan for forced integration of schools in the area where i went to high school, they made the richer white school districts bus kids in from the city and vice versa to give meaning in that particular community to the 'separate is not equal' ruling . This is just 30 years ago, right in wilmington delaware.

What i guess i am trying to say is that things have changed a lot in a relatively short period of time. The transformation is not complete (if it were, teh term 'underrepresented' would be gone). The stresses of a changing society is felt in the minds of the minority. For example, many black students do not have the resources at their disposal that their white counterparts have, but they are still expected to succeed on the same level. They may not conciously consider these things, but the stress exists if you want to aknowledge it or not. College is already a really tough environment for everyone, and i am not saying that people are unable to thrive under pressure. Most psychological disorders are modulated by stress. If you cannot identify the stress in your life you cannot work to eliminate it. I am saying that if you are like me and feeling just a little off as the years go by, maybe you should look more closely at the stress in your life.

I donno. I commented on my friend's blog on this topic and got some pretty hostile responses so give me the benefit of the doubt here if you are about to blast me. I am just writing about the things i think about and think are interesting, i am not trying to make any broad statements or offend anyone.

A Sad Post

I was walking by the tennis courts on the way home from my night class and there was a couple of black guys playing tennis which def cought my eye. They looked like father and son, one was around 30 or so and the other probably in his 50s. The older one was shaped like my grandfather, but i couldnt see him clearly through that mesh stuff they have up in the gates. It made me really sad because my grandfather just passed away recently and what i thought about right then was how we never played tennis together.

When i passed by the tennis courts i remembered how he was unespectedly good at tennis and asked me to play a couple times. He was pretty excited when i joined my high schools tennis team. He bought me the racket i still use today.

My poppop loved me a lot. Like, you know almost everyone you are related to loves you. But you can feel who you are closest to, who loves you the most. Right after my mom and dad came him. He was always concerned with what was going on with me and always proud of my accomplishments. He called me mor-mor and everyone in my family will tell you that i was one of two people my poppop ever really liked. The other was his daughter. I guess i get my undfriendlyness from him! and the way i always want to speak my mind. He was like that. He was from the south and he was loud and i guess obnoxious at times. He had a real temper but it was never turned towards me. He always made me laugh. And i miss him so much.

There were three stories he used to tell everyone he met about me. One was once when i was a baby how i was fat and greedy and my aunt (his daughter, who is only 10 years older than me) teased me with a whole thanksgiving turkey! The second is about how i used to cry. I wouldnt scream like other babies, but i made a wierd kind of rumbling noise. The last is about how i used to ask him over and over to walk me down the slope of his back yard and lift me up to pick a leaf off this one tree, and he would always do it.

So i guess this post is pretty depresing, but i have never really missed anyone like i miss him, so i think about it a lot and i guess it is probably good therapy or something for me to write some of it down.

Typos and redos

You may notice that i make a lot of mistakes in my blog. TOUGH TOENAILS, PARTNER! I only reread some of my entries before i publish them, but if i notice something really off later i will edit it and republish. I am just writing this to say, i type badly, so what? its not cus i am dumb, its cus i sacrifice accuracy for speed with my typing, cus anything worth doing, is worth doing FAST. HA!

Week 10

I go to a school with 10 week terms. Which means that what students at other colleges learn in about 4 months, we have to cram into just over 2. Its got its ups and downs, but overally i prefer this system to others. The thing is that there is always a week 9/10 CRUNCH where there are a tond of papers due and exams and presentations to get done before finals, then you also have ot be preparing for finals week the week after. Its pretty sick. Week ten usually means disaster for me, but this term is different.

Tuesdays are my worst day of the week schedule-wise. I have classes from 9:30 AM to 8:30 PM with an hour and a half break at 5. So you can probably imagine that i have a whole load of assignments on any given tuesday to hand in, but week 10 tuesday was murder. I had to give my final speech for public speaking class, a final presentation in my ultrasound lab, a lab report for that same lab, a quiz in my night class, and hand in my part of a group project for immunology. OUCH! But everything worked out.

I nailed the speech and the presentation. I told my immunology group that i would have to hand in my part later, which they didnt mind. And the lab report took me most of the night but it came out pretty good. So success all around. And to ice the cake, i got my Immunology final exam back and i got 118 out of 100. Which brings my average for that class up to a 97 (she capped the extra credit points at 10, so that last 8 dont count towards my grade). HOORAY!

So the worst part of week 10 is over. All i have left is two homework assignments and that group project before exams, and i only have 3 of those! I am definitely blessed to not be so stressed cus this week had the potential to go much much worse!!

The Beach etc.

Saturday me and a couple friends went to the beach. Myself, two female friends, and one guy friend, all piled into my car and headed out at about 8:20 (we were supposed to go at 8). We headed off and then i realized i didnt have any gas so we took a lengthy detour somewhere in Jersey near the Deptford mall and got some McDonalds. The car ride up was a lot of fun. The weather wasnt great, though, and we only spent a little while on the beach itself. We walked some of the boardwalk and two pretty funny things happened then and i guess those are the point of this blog entry:

First, we were hungry before we left so we bought some 75 cent hotdogs at a little boardwalk spot. My one friend got a small soda to go along with it, but the soda was mad small and half ice so she was still quite parched when she finished it. So she decides to ask the sales lady for some tap water and the lady says they only have bottled, basically refuses to give her any water (which is rediculous because any place that serves food has to have running water) so my friend throws her cup and trash on the ground. Her first impulse was to throw it all in the womans face so i guess that was a better alternative! It was really funny, i guess you had to be there. We joked about how much littering she did for a little while after that.

Later, we were standing around waiting for the litterer to use the bathroom and my guy friend noticed that my MAC/Visa card was tucked into my bikini bottom. I was wearing a skirt and a tee shirt and a bikini and i didn have any pockets or a bag because we already put our bags back in the trunk of my car. So he is like "thats an interesing place to keep your credit card" and i explain the no pockets thig ot him and he still thinks its funny. So he ges to pull the card out and my other friend goes "VISA, its everywhere you want to be". I was cracking up for quite a while after that.

So, i guess these stories arent that funny being told via my blog but they were pretty amusing at the time so i decided to write them down. The three people that went on the trip with me are my three primary readers so i guess at least they will appreciate it. HA! Talk about knowing your audience...

Old Age

I thought i had hit an important point in my growth as an independant person when this year i was wating well without a meal plan. this summer i have really cut back a lot on ordering food and eating at the trucks because i wanted to be healthier and get on a better eating schedule. All was going well for the first half of the term.

Then i got back into skipping meals and i ordered food twice in a week, but stuff was still alright. Until today. I came in and was really hungry but i didnt want my leftovers and i didnt feel like cooking or making one of my frozen dinners. I ate a piece of cake my mom made but was still feeling hungry.Then I remembered that i had bought some of my favorite lunchmeat a while ago and that there was enough left for one sandwich. But i bought this stuff a while ago, at least two weekends i think.

The slices of meat on the outside were slimy so i threw them out. I rinsed the rest off and then microwaved it for 30 sec to kill any lingering bacteria. Then i just made my sandwich and ate it. I am telling you this, not because its totally gross, and it is, but because if i die from this i want everyone to know why.

On second thought, i dont want anyone to know that i died from something so dumb, so if you read this entry, let it be our little secret. HA!

A Thought

There was a story on the front page of my school's newspaper that i have been thinking about ever since i read it. Drexel has a large astro-turf field that students use to play football and cricket and frisbee and soccer and whatever else. The school's teams use it too for practices. And the Campus Activity Board uses it to show outdoor movies. When i came to Drexel the field was ungated and open to anyone. I really appreciated that because i think that it is really important for an institution that is taking up so much space in a neighborhood to give back some of that space for neighborhood use. I was more than a little dissappointed when they put the fence up.

Drexel constructed a large decorative barrier around the field with turnstiles activated by school ID cards. It made me think twice about the type of people that are running this school. Drexel property takes up about a good dozen blocks of powelton village community and now we are taking prohibitory steps in not letting members of the community use the field. I understand that Drexel is a private school and all Drexel porperty is privately owned, but the question in my mind is ethical, not legal.

So this article in the triangle is about how the students are upset because members of the community are using the field and taking up space. They say that they are afraid to use the field sometimes because they have heard that the "outsiders" are hostile. So Drexel has heeded the whining cry of these students and patrols once an hour to evict anyone fromt he field who doesnt have a drexel ID. This is racism pure and simple and i want to show you why.

Racism is an institutionalized set of advantaves and disadvantages based upon race. Its not the same as prejudice or bigotry so when i mention racism keep in mind the definition above. Now, the "outsiders" are members of the community surrounding Drexel. Some are white, but most are black and hispanic. I will venture to assume that the white male drexel students who are filing these complaints and writing these articles in the Triangle would not be nearly as "afraid" if all the people using the field were white. I also venture a guess that they wouldn't have even assumed that these people were not Drexel students if they were all white. Now, under my observations, these complaints would not have been filed for white interlopers and the security patrols would have not been enstated. So i conclude that if these "intruders" were not black and hispanic, they would still be allowed to use the field.

I want you to see why this is a clear example of racism as defined above. These members of the community are at a disadvantage because they are a certain race. This new institution of hourly patrols would not be in place if they were not so. If these members of the community (who have still not caused any notable problems) were white they would still be playing soccer every night without being harrassed. I am not saying that the person who wrote the article is a bigot (though i suspect that he is) that is not my point. The point is that simply being non-white will create a situation where there doesnt have to be one. It is a sad reality but things like this happen all the time. This is the face of racism in today's society. It may not be lynchings and segregated schools (although those things still happen too) but racism is still holding on strong in the minds of people with power. And these people with power, be they drexel students or the dean of student activities, do not even realize what they are doing when they do it.

I want to tack on to this a personal request. We all have power to enstate change. Our words usually have more effect than we think. Please, before you say or write anything, think about how this can effect people. Think about what your words really mean and if they are being used in a purposeful way. Build people up instead of tearing them down and try to always be a cause for positive change instead of the negative kind.

Suggested reading: Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria? And other conversations about race By Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum. Its an awesome book about racial development and racial dialogue that everyone who lives in a heterogenous society should read (that means you).

About Undies

So, today was like any other. i got dressed in my nice jeans and a shirt and some shoes braless and headed for my day. After some car rides and some walking, i felt something painful digging into my hip. When i got in and took a look i saw it was the seam of my underwear hurting me. There was a lump where they were sewn together and the jeans were jamming them into my side. So i wondered if panties deserve to go the way of the bra in my life. I still wonder, but i been wearin panties since i was 2 and only wearin bras since i was 13 (i've worn panties for twice as long as bras) so it is gonna be a harder habit to break if i decide i should. HA!

More Updates

I am still having crazy lucid dreams almost incessantly, but they aren't disturbing my sleep as badly. I still intend to write one out, mebbe someone who reads this can interpret it for me! I am still not wearing bras and loving it. I've never been so comfortable in my life! The IDs didnt come yet, but i am still keepin my fingers crossed. Guess not much has changed, but i thought i would keep ya posted.

Poetry

This blog thing is totally working to my advantage. Writing is coming easier not only here in my entries but i also wrote a lab report today in record time. What inspired me to write today is inspiration. I used to think i was a writer. I wrote some poetry and i liked to try to write short stories, but i hardly ever finished them. This poem is not truely mine because the first two lines are taken from the poem that is the title of my blog. I think about those lines a lot tho because i think they apply to me in some respects now more than ever. But wait,

I didnt sit down to bore you to death with that crap. I logged in to show the first poem i am publishing anywhere for people to see. I was done writing that lightening-fast lab report when this just popped into my head. I usually end up throwing my poetry away before anyone sees it or keeping it somewhere private, so this is kind of a step for me. I havent written apoem probably in over a year so go easy on the criticism, i am sure they will get better with practice and i hope my blog helps me write more in the future!

Heart 1
I know my heart has lied before
but now it speaks with honesty
and despite my intervention
shows you the worst side of me
admitting all my imperfections
exposing my flaws ruthlessly
tearing down all my protection
displaying every part of me.
My heart betrays my intentions
and fake invulnerability.

So there it is. Probably the first poem you are seeing from me and probably not the last!

Evil

Credit cards are evil. Not the major ones cus handling them is common sense. Its those little store charge cards that you open that are the real problem. You open it to get that initial %15 discount then forget you ahve the darn thing. So i have 4 store charge cards: Express, Lord and Taylor, Neiman Marcus, and Victoria's Secret. I also have 3 major credit cards. I do not have any major problems, but something happened recently that irritated me.

My mom called me today and told me that Lord and Taylor has been calling the house for a while and now they are calling every day because i owe them money. At first i am like "You are just now telling me thins?!?!" but i realize i get my own mail and it is not her responsibility to manage my money so i calm down. I paid off my store charge cards before classes started. I did not want to have to worry about them while i was making no positive income. I also paid off all but one of my major credit cards. I locked all my plastic away and only carried that one credit card and my mac/visa. But something went wrong.

I didn't pay my lord and taylor card off all the way. I had underpaid by a couple dollars (litterally, $2 and change) and didnt realize. Which wouldnt matter except that was over two months ago. I hadn't been opening my statements because i thougth i had overpaid and had nothing to worry about. So now i have interest to pay, which is hardly anything on the two bucks, but have to alos pay the late payment fees which is $25 a month and brings my total to $53.32. FIFTY THREE DOLLARS!! i owe them a late payment fee of $50 for a balance of $2. This just doesnt seem right. Can they do that?? I guess i have the answer right here in writing cus i have been staring at this statement since i opened it and it seems like they are serious about this.

My Parents

I love my Mom and Dad. but i didnt always feel the way i do now. We are all in college and we have all gone through the same thing. You are so happy to leave home and to be free. Recently i have been thinking of things from my parents perspective. I have been thinking a lot about parenthood. Noone worry, i dont plan on becoming a parent any time before college ends, or before i am married, but i am 20 and i am a woman and i cant help thinking what it is like.

When you have a child you basically have to change and make your whole entire life about this one little being. When you eat and sleep and leave and stay are all decided by the needs of your kids. Where your money goes and doesnt go is about them too. Your priorities become completely rearranged and its gotta suck. I mean SUCK.

I love myself. I like to do what i want to do and what i think is best for me. I like to eat what i want to eat and go where i want to go and sleep when i want to sleep because i love me and i want to make me happy. There is no room in my life for a little person to be dictating what i do. I cannot imagine what it takes to be a parent, to completely deny yourself and turn all that love out on another person, the little thing you created (or adopted, which is also a beautiful thing).

So these days i really appreciate my parents. For the past 20 years they have turned their lives into the 24-hr Morgan network: all morgan, all the time. I love them for that and at the same time i feel bad that i have left them. Once again the purpose in thier life has had to shift. First from themselves to me and now from me to whatever is next for them (probably still me). I feel like they deserve to get the chance to fall back in love with themselves, but after devoting so much of their lives to me it has to be painful to see me just walk away. So i am not walking with my back turned...

I am spending time showing my parents that i love them and that i appreciate all they did for me. When they call i answer the phone and when they want to see me i oblige. Every time we talk i try to remember to tell them that i love them and i never leave their presence without a hug. I am who i am today thanks to them and i never want them to have to wonder whether or not i know what a great job they did raising me. They have given me everything i ever needed and i am so greatful and blessed to have parents like them.

Something about me

I want to talk about things that i like. I figure it will cheer me up since my BF got a job and now i will never see him (so i will be writing a lot more!).

I like anime!
I like it old school like G Gundam and Lupin the 3rd. I like the newer zany stuff like Fooley Cooley and Niea under 7. I like some samurai flicks like Samurai X and Kai Doh Maru. I dont have a ton of series that i love. I like Wolf's Reign that is on cartoon network right now. I like comedies like Excel Saga and anything like it. I DONT like crap like Hamtaro and Sailor Moon. Silly kiddie stuff with a moral. BOOOORRRRINGGG.

I like eating out!
I love steven star resturants. I frequent POD and JONES. I like carribbean food too. I love Italian and Indian too. I actually like all food, except i didnt really enjoy Ethiopian the couple times i have had it. I love asian fusion and Japanese.

I like wine!
I don't drink heavily anymore (thats so freshman year) but i really like italian sparkling wines. I love Asti. I love Moscato d'asti and i like Asti Spumante. I have liked other Spumantis i have tried too. I like prosecco. Basically anything sweet and sparkling. I also like chardonnay and some of the sweeter reds, but i tend to buy Asti.

I like my school!
A lot of people say they hate their school. I say that makes you really stupid to spend a lot of money to be somehwere you hate. I LOVE Drexel. I like its location. I like co-op. I like 10-week terms. I like going to school in the summer. I dont like school in general, the work, stressing about grades, ass hole teachers. But i made teh right choice when i came to Drexel and i turned down a lot of schools and a few full scholarships to be here. So i refuse to regret that decision!

I like my friends!
I decided i wouldnt mention anyone by name in my blog so i will say something and the people i mention will knwo who they are. I like my best friend from freshman year! I love her the most. I like my friend from Oman cus she never listens and she doenst care about anything like me and she listens to me complain a lot about class. I love her the most too. I like my friend from high school. I only have two that i really keep in touch with, one goes to U Penn right across the way and one goes to school really far, but i like them both. I like my friend i met on my first co-op. It was tough for us getting to know each other but it was def worth it! I like my guy friends too, you guys get no shout outs, but you know who you are. Oh, i have one guy friend from high school too. I like him cus i am realy comfortable with him. I like just chillin and sayin whatever i am thinking about and not having to worry aboug stuff.

I also like tattoos and piercings. I like music and i like art. I like the Islands. I LOVE St. Vincent. I like eBAY. I like www.thegiantpeach.com. I LOVE my BF

And thats IT. anything not on this list, i dont like! I am just kidding. I will make a list of stuff i dont like too.

The heart of things

This guy asked me once what a woman wants. like, in relationships what is the goal, besides love and marriage or sex or whatever. So i told him, honestly, i think most women just want what they want. No questions asked, no explinations given. We want the thing that is in our head to happen the way our minds eye sees it and we dont want to have to explain it to anyone either. And thats the truth. But i am changing

For health reasons i really need to start avoding stress. I hate doctors so i am counseling myself and this is the beginning for me. Before i wanted things to go how i wanted them to go. If something wasnt right to me i would react until something happened to make me feel better (i.e. an apology). I am trying to explain this well, but it may not be coming out. I am saying that if i expected my night to go a certain way: class, grab a bite to eat, watch TV till my BF comes over, chill with him for an hour and a half, do some homework. And my BF would show up to late or leave to early, it would make me mad at him for messing up my potentially perfect night. That is a bad example cus i would probably not get angry over something that simple, but that is the type of thing i am talking about.

I used to feel like if i didnt react to things that didnt go my way, it would seem like i am okay with things not going my way and then nothing would go my way and my life would suck. I am learning though. Now i make clear what i want and expect before anything happens. I only react when i think someone is not treating me well on purpose. Like if in the scenario above, my BF knew he was gonna be late and didnt bother to let me know. I am not a generally understanding person and i dont intend on changing my personality. But, if he was 10 minutes late and his cell phone was dead and it would have taken him longer to get to a pay phone than to get here, i guess thats different. And it still wont be OK, but i wont let it stress me.

What seems like a small change is a whole world of difference to me. I'll tell you how its coming along.

My weekend in NYC

This weekend me and my BF decided we needed a little vacation (we had been fighting almost every day for 2 and a half weeks). We took septa and nj transit to NYC and stayed over night. It was a blast! We stayed at this place called West Side Inn (www.westsideinn.com) which looks too good to be tru cus it is! You are paying less than $80 (if you book online) to stay at this place that looks like a real hotel. If you havent been to NYC before, the hotels there are way overpriced. Overnight at anywhere else was running $160+. So we get off the train and take teh subway up to the upper west side to stay in our cozy little hotel which turns out to be a regular hostel. There are 3 bathrooms on a floor and the room is barely big enough to fit the double bed in. There is a TV and a fan in the window and thats it. I didnt even bring a bath towel because they advertise it as a real hotel. So after the initial dissappointment we decide to head out and find ourselves a late lunch.

I had found this website that listed places to eat in the city that sold good food for cheap. It was a top 100 list. On the train i picked the addresses of the places i thought would be cool to go to. We decided to check one of them out for lunch because it was close to the hotel. All we had to do was cut across central park. Sounds easy enough. So we head into the park in the sweltering heat and start off on the twisting trails and roads using instinct as our guide. Bad idea. We ended up walking twelve blocks downtown instead of straight across. So we hop a cab and he takes us to where the resturant is supposed to be and its an apartment building. so

We decide to take teh subway to litle italy which is right next ti chinatown and find something there. We ate at a place on the pedestrian mall in little italy and it was great. Then we walked through a little bit of chinatown and i bought a towel and some candy.

Back to the hotel for a nap and some TV. then a shower. The shower was set up wierd. it was in a tub but it had a glass sliding door and the top track of the sliding door was feet below the ceiling. I am describing it badly, bu the top of ths hower doors was just above eye level for me. There was a space about 3.5 feet tall and 2.5 feet wide that you had to step into to get into the shower. So i didnt have a big prblem but my BF could barely fit. He said it was the worst shower he ever took.

We decided to eat in the vilage. So we took the subway out there to the East Village and walked around for a while checkin out resturants and seeing the sights. The liquor stores in NYC are not state run like here so we saw one that was open and went in to check out the difference. The selection of wines was so much more extensive and they had a lot more of the higher priced ones. I am a big fan of Asti. I like Asti Spumante and Moscato d'Asti and i have no idea what the difference is so dont ask me. But they had a brand i had never tried so i bought a bottle of that. Then we ate at a sub-par pseudo italian joint and tried to head back to the hotel. but

The subway we thought we were gonna take was not running late at night. The subway we were supposed to take came and went while we were figuring this out. It was about 90 degrees in this subway station, we had been walking all day in the heat and it was late. after midnight! It took absolutely FOREVER for the train to com. I didnt time it because i was too irritated, but we left the resturant after midnight and we got in the hotel after 2. At this point i was thoroughly miserable.

The next morning we overslept a little bit got up, skipped the crappy shower, and checked out. We took the subway down to times square and looked for a breakfast joint. We saw the sights, bought some souveniers and ended up eating at HoJos. The whole time my shoulder is killing me because i am carrying my bags (to keep from making a trip back to the hotel). We hopped a cab to penn station and had a 20 minute wiat for the next train so we walked the three blocks to the empire state building just to get a view of it. We stopped in a couple stores on teh way back and ended up missing that train but were right on time for the next one. I slept most of the train ride back until some really rude young men with a little talent got on the train and began to make up and sing some pretty foul songs about their ex-girlfriends. The one guy had an OK voice and the other was beat boxing for a while and it would have been almost ok if the songs werent so foul.

All in all a nice little trip. My shoulder still hurts but i needed to get outta philly for a while. I saw a nice little shoe store that i really wanted to spend more time in but i am supposed to go to see a movie in NYC this weekend with my friends so i will check that out then!

Updates

Since i posted my anti-bra document, i have only worn a bra to my co-op interivews and worn the tank tops with built-in bras to the gym. And LIFE is GOOD!

Also i am still having crazy lucid dreams. Not every single night and i am not remembering them every time either, so i guess that is an improvement. People say that sleeping with the TV on will make you dream more, but it has been helping me. I fall asleep with the tv on and even if i do dream, the television distracts me as soon as i wake up and i can hardly remember a thing after that. I have had a few wierd ones, one about weddings and one about having kids. Also one about being sick and another about a long dinner. Next time i remember one i will write it out with the details and everything.

the ID issue

Ok, so a friend of mine and i are young, younger than all our friends. The bottom line being that she is 19 and i am 20, and neither of us will be 21 until at least next year, but all of our frinds are already (or will be soon). A sad situation to say the least. And we are just sick of it.We both have fake IDs but they are just not that great. Hers is better, but mine doesnt even have my pic on it (my friend got it then didnt need it any more when she turned 21 and we look enough alike for me to use it in a pinch). Anyway, there is a party this weekend that we really want to go to, and she could probably get in with her ID, but there is a guest list and the girl who donated her fake to me is also coming to the party so we cant both get in under the same name.

So i decide that i want a better fake ID so i wont be left out of everything until February! I do some research and decide that my best bet is to just buy one online. You may be thinking "can they sell fake IDs online?" the answer to that is a resounding YES! There are a ton of websites taht will sell you a perfectly good fake ID online. They call them novelty IDs and have disclaimers all over the place about how you are not allowed to use them as identification. The cost about $90 and come with a removable sticker on them that says "not a form of government ID" or something like that. So i find a site that got good reviews (and has a rush delivery option). I tell my friend about it and we decide to order together for the discount. Things seem to be going well. However,

The company is located outside the USA in a country i had never heard of and we are to Western Union the money to them. YIKES! So i turn off my comon sense and go ahead and do it. The girl at the western union place asks me like 8 times if i want to send this much money and if i am sure this isnt some sort of scam. Which i lie and tell her i am sure its not.

The company got great reviews online so i am hoping that this wasnt a pure idiot move. If it was i will be bashing them all over the web to make sure noone makes teh same mistake i did. But i cant even be mad about it. All i can do is cross my fingers and hope i am not gettin ripped off! i am askin you guys to all do the same!!

The dreams

For the past week and a half i have been exoerienceing an episode of 'excessive dreaming'. Usually i have a dream maybe once a month, probably a lot less. It is usually really suprising to me when i dream. I'm like "what the heck was that?". But these days i have one every night, i mean EVERY night. Not even the wierd incoherent dreams where you are doing one thing then something else and its just a wierd jumble of images and situations. These are epic dreams like a movie or a novel. I mean, they still dont make sense, but everything happens in sequence.

You wouldnt think this is a problem. Who complains about dreaming? But i wake up in the middle of the night from these dreams and in the morning i dont feel refreshed at all. If i hit the snooze button i just get 10 more minutes of the same dream. its really annoying. Even if i nap during the day. Every time i fall asleep i am dreaming.

I went online and did a bit of research. I thought you dream in REM sleep which is suppose dto be the deepest most restful sleep you can get. The time you spend dreaming is a phase of deep sleep, but it is a less restful stage when you brain is more active than usual. I read all kinds of theories. I read about chinese herbs and accupuncture. I also read about this intense counseling where they think that dreaming comes from not resolving issues when you are awake, so they try to help you calm you rmind and not leav things undone. I read about knock-out drugs and other things that are supposed to give you restfull dreamless sleep. So i decided the chinese herbs were my favorite solution because they were organic and all natural and proven by millennia of ancient wisdom. I picked the most promising drug and read on..

It turns out that this particular herb has a delicate dose scale. Too little or too much can cause you to have more dreams and nightmares. Yea, just what i need. So i scratched that, and since none of the other remidies appealed to me i called my mom.

So my mom says that i should try exercising before bed and try to think of things that may be tressing me out and work on resolving them. I still don't think i am stressed out. So i gave teh exercise a shot. And that didnt work either. I wake up this morning from a dream where i was on a boat with a lot of people i idnt like and noone was notigcing me and i was dressed like i was going to the prom and everyone else was dressed for the gym. I didnt hit snooze.

The Bra Issue

I hate bras. They are itchy and uncomfortable. I have about 30 bras. and at around $15 a pop thats a total of $450 spent on something i hate.

Yesterday i came back from class and it was hot, i mean HOT. I wore jeans and a tee shirt to class. So i strip down and put on some shorts and a tank top and i feel sooooo much better. You could see the red marks where my bra had been and i wondered why i wore it at all. Really: why? I am not endowed enought to need the support, nor am i small enough to need the padding (well, at least in my opinion). Its not cold enough to need the extra layer, so what was i wearing it for. You couldnt see through my shirt, the bra wasnt for protection. I decided i must be wearing it because somewhere down the line i was made to feel like i was supposed to wear it. And anyone who knows me knows that "supposed to" is not a good reason for me to do anything.

So i decided right then and there to end the cycle of oppression. None of the women in Sex and the City every wear bras (well, except charolette, i think) and neither will i! I felt free. I put my jeans back on and headed out to buy makeup and more tank tops (which i shouldnt be doing anyways cus i am dead broke). I got a little too carried away at first and headed ont in some high-heeled sandals. Two blocks later i realized that was a bad idea and went and changed into flats. Then i headed out and wasted my money on various items and returned feeling empowered. I began to spread my message to the women around me: 'bras are for suckers'! and it was all good and well until:

So i decided to go to the gym. A bunch of people i knew were there and i could use the exercise. Besides i hadnt been sleeping well (which i am gonna write about right after this) so i decided i should try exercising before bed (which didnt even help). But, alas, i could not go to the gym braless and me and my friend had already decided that wearing those tops with built-in bras would be cheating. Everyone knows that when you cheat, you only cheat yourself. I thought about the reasons i felt the need to wear a bra to the gym and even though there really were none (i dont run) i still couldnt bring myself to do it. so in the end i cheated and wore the tank top with the bra built in. I decided i would be cheating myself more if i never went to the gym again because i didnt want to wear bras, which almost makes sense.

But, for the rest of the summer, unless i am at the gym or you can see through my shirt, i am sticking to my pledge. Down with the lacey opression!

Cloudy Days and Failure

To begin, i am dissappointed in myself for not posting these past couple of days. Me and my BF have been arguing almost constantly so i really havent been thinking about my blog. Anyway, today is aweful. Its cloudy and overcast and i tend to be really badly affected by the weather. Sunny days i am fine, but cloudy days make me really tired and depressed. I went to bed early but i still wasnt able to get up for my 9 oclock class. I was running late to me 11oclock when i realized that i left my bike lock key at home. So i came back here and jsut gave up. If i went back now i would be a half hour late to a 2 hour class. Besides, i hate that class! So i am 0 for 2 today with my extremely expensive education and thats just making me feel worse.
 
Yesterday was interesting. Me and my BF got up, ran an errand for my friend, then went to my house 45 min away. My parents missed me because i hadn't stopped by in over 3 weeks. When we are at home, my BF and i uually play boardgames with my parents and get dessert froma  jewish deli around the corner, and we did all that. My mom made a really nice chicken dinner and my grandmother came over and it was just great! Since we were in the area and i needed groceries, i asked chris to take me tot eh grocery store around the corner from my house. Its a smaller market that carries my favorite lunchmeat so i was really phyched to go. We went and i got everything i wanted (and spent way too much as usual) and we headed off. Chris wanted to see "I, Robot" so we were gonna check it out at a theatre in the area before coming back to philly, but i had bought frozen foods and milk and eggs and i did not want them to spoil so we ended up coming back here. We watched the olympic trials together for a while then went to the 9:30 showing around the corner. As we are buying tickets teh theater announces that the theater we are going to see the movie in is really really cold. Its a good thing my bf was sneaking candy in to the movie or he wouldnt have had his jacket!
 
I, Robot was good. For anyone who hasnt seen it yet, its VIKI. There, i ruined the ending! I know so far my blog is totally boring, but funny stuff happens to me, i swear, just not recently. So its bound to pick up at some point. Till then.....

To Begin

Like i said above, the title of my blog comes from a poem so i think its only right that i post the text of the poem first. I didnt choose this poem because it has any special meaning to me. It has a cool title and its from a poet i really like so i guess thats good enough
 
"I Know My Heart Has Lied Before"
 
I know my heart has lied before
but now it speaks with honesty
as an invisible bond of friendship
that was formed in secrecy
Coming from me this may seem hard
but 2 GOD i swear it's truth
We R friends for eternity
and Forever I will always love u
 
I suppose i am creating this blog to practice writing so it may just be some random things, but i will be posting every day. Briefly about me: i am a Biomedical Engineering major at Drexel University graduating in 2006. My favorite resturant is Jone's (for anyone that lives around philly, its great!) my favorite book is Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" My favorite album is a tie between Mos Def "Black on Both Sides" and Buju Banton "Til Shiloh". I have my nose pierced and three tatoos (more piercings and tatoos to come when i get the $). I am a cat person, dogs smell.
 
So thats it in a nutshell, anything else you can possibly want or not want to know about me i will probably talk about later.
 
Ciao