95% of the time, a guy is just something i like to have. something to keep around and make myself feel good: what a wonderful thing i possess. its silly and shallow and weak-minded, but at least i admit it. for so many years such things were a major preoccupation. i felt incomplete when i didnt have a BF, and when i did i would work and work to change him into something that other people would envy or at least admire. shameful, i know.
but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.
but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.
this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.
im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.
1 comment:
I know exactly what you mean! I think you wrote about it before...a title that was something like "Love of the Chase". The reason why I brought that post up is because for me, whenever I meet someone new and exciting, I literally become addicted to him; and like all drugs, there's a high, then, that devestating low. No matter how many times I'm faced with a similar situation, I always seem to fall back into my usual pattern, so I can't say that you shouldn't have tried seeing those other guys. That's the only way to rule them out. I on the other hand have to learn to "guard my heart" as you seem to effortlessly do. Sooo hard to do though.
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