im single
i dont like it
the end.
04 October 2006
27 July 2006
I want to say something
Out of pure frustration and a seething sense of betrayal. I am gonna say a few words about hurting a woman's feelings. I'm gonna speak from my own experience.
My mom always told me to choose my battles... meaning that i can't throw all my emotional effort into every little injustice. i carry those words with me so sometimes when someone i care about hurts my feelings, especially if its unintentional, i do my best to let it slide and get over it. Theres no need to make both of us feel bad over something that was just a thoughtless mistake.
But i'm a woman who finds it hard to hide her feelings.... really hard. so even when i am trying to not make a big deal over something, something i dont want to 'battle' with, most of the time the other person (usually a guy) can still tell i'm upset.
so the first thing he does is ask if i'm upset. The last thing i'll ever be called is a liar, so i answer. the inevitable second question goes like 'is it something i did?' at which point i answer honestly and simply explain that i dont like to pick over small things and if you dont mind dropping the subject we can squash it, NSA.
to which the reply is, inevitably, something like 'no, i'd rather know'. after which i generally offer a clear and concise explination of what happened, why it hurt my feelings, why i know its either not your fault or not a big deal, and why we really dont need to talk about it any further.
to which the reply is, inevitably, a pile of explanations as to why things went down the way they did, what was going through his mind, where he was coming from at that point in time, why it isn't really his fault (usually a different reason than i gave).
so whats missing? besides the entirely predictable nature of these exchanges, it sounds like a perfectly rational conversation between two relatively mature human beings.
the thing that gets me every single last time is that, after all that, after i asked to drop it, after you pressured me into talking to you about it, and after i have to listen to your list of reasons and excuses and rationalities. After all that and usually after aknowledging that you can understand how i feel..
inevitably
not a single guy has said hes sorry. and i won't get into why i think that is right now. i will just say that it happens every time and if you're a guy reading this and going 'wow, i've been there,' next time, even if you dont really get where im coming from, offer your girl an apology. sometimes it makes things all better.
My mom always told me to choose my battles... meaning that i can't throw all my emotional effort into every little injustice. i carry those words with me so sometimes when someone i care about hurts my feelings, especially if its unintentional, i do my best to let it slide and get over it. Theres no need to make both of us feel bad over something that was just a thoughtless mistake.
But i'm a woman who finds it hard to hide her feelings.... really hard. so even when i am trying to not make a big deal over something, something i dont want to 'battle' with, most of the time the other person (usually a guy) can still tell i'm upset.
so the first thing he does is ask if i'm upset. The last thing i'll ever be called is a liar, so i answer. the inevitable second question goes like 'is it something i did?' at which point i answer honestly and simply explain that i dont like to pick over small things and if you dont mind dropping the subject we can squash it, NSA.
to which the reply is, inevitably, something like 'no, i'd rather know'. after which i generally offer a clear and concise explination of what happened, why it hurt my feelings, why i know its either not your fault or not a big deal, and why we really dont need to talk about it any further.
to which the reply is, inevitably, a pile of explanations as to why things went down the way they did, what was going through his mind, where he was coming from at that point in time, why it isn't really his fault (usually a different reason than i gave).
so whats missing? besides the entirely predictable nature of these exchanges, it sounds like a perfectly rational conversation between two relatively mature human beings.
the thing that gets me every single last time is that, after all that, after i asked to drop it, after you pressured me into talking to you about it, and after i have to listen to your list of reasons and excuses and rationalities. After all that and usually after aknowledging that you can understand how i feel..
inevitably
not a single guy has said hes sorry. and i won't get into why i think that is right now. i will just say that it happens every time and if you're a guy reading this and going 'wow, i've been there,' next time, even if you dont really get where im coming from, offer your girl an apology. sometimes it makes things all better.
03 June 2006
What i think about the Bible
I've always been a Christian. After coming to college, leaving my church home, and reading the autobiography of Malcom X (that book will make you reconsider Christianity), my faith changed drastically. Before that, though, I was very knowledgeable, full of faith. I was the youngest Trustee ever at my church. I was also the youngest missionary. I served on committees as a full-fledged member planning events and making decisions about things like new choir directors and annual events and payrates for new pastors. Christianity was a huge part of my life and I was well respected for my devotion and informed, Bible-based opinions.
But, like I said, some things have changed. I am still a well-studied Christian woman. I have read the entire new testament more than once and the less boring books of the old testament (I recommend this. If you are going to claim a faith, you have to fully understand the basis). I am more of a Bible scholar now, though, than what is typically considered a church-going Christian. Many of the rituals are no longer a part of my life, my faith has diminished greatly, and I must admit that my relationship with God is sparse. Nonetheless, I do know a lot from the 15 or so years I spent studying my faith and being immersed in it.
so I sat down to write about what I think about the Bible. I recently gave a close friend some important Bible-based advice. Hearing these sorts of words from me is not something that the people close to me really can ever expect, so I think he was a little thrown off by the conversation. But, despite how my ideas have changed, I still know a whole lot. I just use that knowledge in a different way.
I think that the Bible is an amazing book. It was written by a group of individuals who had studied law, history, religion, philosophy, literature, and more importantly life. There are so many useful instructions with which to govern society. Things like "treat others as you would like to be treated" and "don't sleep with your sister" (someone had to tell us, apparently). Its a combination of the efforts of many scholars spanning many years... The equivalent of a text book today. And I approach it as such. I still believe in Jesus, I have not renounced my religion. But when I offer wisdom from the Bible, its not because I expect the listener to believe in Jesus or that I think they are Christians or should be, its because I know what went into that book. I know that the information has immense utility and relevance. Even if you think the stories are just that, "stories", if you consider the origin of those stories there is no need to dismiss them because they come from a religious text. Many people have referred to the Bible as "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth", so I guess that's my take on things.
But, like I said, some things have changed. I am still a well-studied Christian woman. I have read the entire new testament more than once and the less boring books of the old testament (I recommend this. If you are going to claim a faith, you have to fully understand the basis). I am more of a Bible scholar now, though, than what is typically considered a church-going Christian. Many of the rituals are no longer a part of my life, my faith has diminished greatly, and I must admit that my relationship with God is sparse. Nonetheless, I do know a lot from the 15 or so years I spent studying my faith and being immersed in it.
so I sat down to write about what I think about the Bible. I recently gave a close friend some important Bible-based advice. Hearing these sorts of words from me is not something that the people close to me really can ever expect, so I think he was a little thrown off by the conversation. But, despite how my ideas have changed, I still know a whole lot. I just use that knowledge in a different way.
I think that the Bible is an amazing book. It was written by a group of individuals who had studied law, history, religion, philosophy, literature, and more importantly life. There are so many useful instructions with which to govern society. Things like "treat others as you would like to be treated" and "don't sleep with your sister" (someone had to tell us, apparently). Its a combination of the efforts of many scholars spanning many years... The equivalent of a text book today. And I approach it as such. I still believe in Jesus, I have not renounced my religion. But when I offer wisdom from the Bible, its not because I expect the listener to believe in Jesus or that I think they are Christians or should be, its because I know what went into that book. I know that the information has immense utility and relevance. Even if you think the stories are just that, "stories", if you consider the origin of those stories there is no need to dismiss them because they come from a religious text. Many people have referred to the Bible as "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth", so I guess that's my take on things.
11 May 2006
direction
i am a fiercely independent woman. fiercely. i judge myself by my own standards. i make my own decisions. its what i do. and independence is extremely important to me in so many ways.
and besidese myself, my parents are the most influential people in my life. how they feel, what they say, do, or think are the only outside influences i generally consider when choosing things for myself, if i consider anything outside myself at all.
i have come to an important point in my life. i am graduating from college in a little over 30 days from now. its so scary to me, though, and i am starting to realize why. it has to do with direction.
my parents were able to guide me up to this point....
here i want to mention that i greatly admire my mother in particular. over the years she had truly become my best friend and out of everyone i am sure that she knows me the best.
like i said, my parents, especially my mom, were able to guide me up to this point. my entire life i was expressly told that i would go to college (for something scientific) and i would graduate... but then what? everyone seems to expect great things of me. my parents, my community. but noone can tell me what it is... i guess its not really their job to. but i am under a lot of pressure and i am very confused.
this is where the direction thing comes in. when my father was my age he had already dropped out of drexel (the university i attend) and had taken a job. when my mother was my age she had already been married for a year. she was about to graduate temple with a degree in architecture and really probably had less direction than i do now.
so my parents cannot tell me what to do. they cant offer me advice. they cant regale me with anecdotes about when they applied to grad school or when they found their dream job because neither has done either. they cant even relate to me on the level of being a single girl with a fierce independent streak trying to make a place for herself, trying to grow up on her own; my father for obvious reasons, and my mother because she never really was on her own, she moved from her parents home into a home with my father, she especially cannot understand me.
so i feel like i lack direction. i feel like all my parents have to offer me are warnings and regrets. warnings about the mistakes they made, regrets over the opportunities that have since passed them by. as all parents, mine want me to lead a better more fulfilled life than they had the chance to, but they cannot explain to me exactly how to go about such a thing, and i cannot seem to figure it out on my own.
grad school?
work force?
what do i want to do with the rest of my life?
i honestly wish i knew, or had someone to tell me.
and besidese myself, my parents are the most influential people in my life. how they feel, what they say, do, or think are the only outside influences i generally consider when choosing things for myself, if i consider anything outside myself at all.
i have come to an important point in my life. i am graduating from college in a little over 30 days from now. its so scary to me, though, and i am starting to realize why. it has to do with direction.
my parents were able to guide me up to this point....
here i want to mention that i greatly admire my mother in particular. over the years she had truly become my best friend and out of everyone i am sure that she knows me the best.
like i said, my parents, especially my mom, were able to guide me up to this point. my entire life i was expressly told that i would go to college (for something scientific) and i would graduate... but then what? everyone seems to expect great things of me. my parents, my community. but noone can tell me what it is... i guess its not really their job to. but i am under a lot of pressure and i am very confused.
this is where the direction thing comes in. when my father was my age he had already dropped out of drexel (the university i attend) and had taken a job. when my mother was my age she had already been married for a year. she was about to graduate temple with a degree in architecture and really probably had less direction than i do now.
so my parents cannot tell me what to do. they cant offer me advice. they cant regale me with anecdotes about when they applied to grad school or when they found their dream job because neither has done either. they cant even relate to me on the level of being a single girl with a fierce independent streak trying to make a place for herself, trying to grow up on her own; my father for obvious reasons, and my mother because she never really was on her own, she moved from her parents home into a home with my father, she especially cannot understand me.
so i feel like i lack direction. i feel like all my parents have to offer me are warnings and regrets. warnings about the mistakes they made, regrets over the opportunities that have since passed them by. as all parents, mine want me to lead a better more fulfilled life than they had the chance to, but they cannot explain to me exactly how to go about such a thing, and i cannot seem to figure it out on my own.
grad school?
work force?
what do i want to do with the rest of my life?
i honestly wish i knew, or had someone to tell me.
24 April 2006
outlets
i dont know if this blog will still serve a purpose in my life. under the tutelege of my mentor i have found a number of different outlets in which to express myself. i am a more effective verbal communicator and have improved on organizing my thoughts when i speak, and also on taking risks and speaking up instead of holding back. my writing has improved and i have written a number of poems. also, i started on a story... a piece of fiction. i just finished it a couple hours ago. i had been working on it for months.
i have to say that writing a story is the most amazing thing. the experience goes so far beyond putting the pen to paper. i was able to write down my past, present, and future. my hopes, and fears. in a piece of fiction, there is so much of ME in it. i was just astounded. my hand seemed posessed as the characters found their own voices and spoke and the settings seemed to choose and describe themselves. i feel like if i had known it was like this i would have been writing fiction for years now (as it stands, this is the first piece i have ever written). its kind of like a happy lucid dream, where you are in control in a way, but not and everything seems way too real.
anyhow. this is a brief explination of why my blog has been out of commission for so long. its partially because between school and work the past few months i have hardly had time to think, much less write. and also because i dont have thoughts that sort of just steep in my mind anymore. now i let them out one way or another.... but who knows how long this will last
i have to say that writing a story is the most amazing thing. the experience goes so far beyond putting the pen to paper. i was able to write down my past, present, and future. my hopes, and fears. in a piece of fiction, there is so much of ME in it. i was just astounded. my hand seemed posessed as the characters found their own voices and spoke and the settings seemed to choose and describe themselves. i feel like if i had known it was like this i would have been writing fiction for years now (as it stands, this is the first piece i have ever written). its kind of like a happy lucid dream, where you are in control in a way, but not and everything seems way too real.
anyhow. this is a brief explination of why my blog has been out of commission for so long. its partially because between school and work the past few months i have hardly had time to think, much less write. and also because i dont have thoughts that sort of just steep in my mind anymore. now i let them out one way or another.... but who knows how long this will last
04 March 2006
moment of midnight honesty
95% of the time, a guy is just something i like to have. something to keep around and make myself feel good: what a wonderful thing i possess. its silly and shallow and weak-minded, but at least i admit it. for so many years such things were a major preoccupation. i felt incomplete when i didnt have a BF, and when i did i would work and work to change him into something that other people would envy or at least admire. shameful, i know.
but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.
but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.
this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.
im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.
but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.
but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.
this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.
im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.
02 March 2006
i wish...
if i had a super power, i just decided what i would want it to be. I would want the power to stop time... i guess its not all that super.
the thing is, i want to do so many things right now. i have a reading list thousands of pages long. i want to practice my writing. pracice my speaking. to just work on certain things i need to change to become a better individual in general. i want to take a lot of time to spend alone doing these things, but not have the rest of the world pass me by. and its not that i cant do them with my life proceeding as normal, but i dont have the patience for it. i have been working on the same book for over a week. i love it but i got so frustrated with it taking so long that i have started two other books since and now i am splitting my time between all three.
what prompts me to say this is that its thursday night, im 22 years old and 14 weeks from graduating college. there is no reason i should not go out tonight and have a good time with my friends. but i really want to stay at home and finish at least one of these books tonight. its a real conundrum. ha.
but if i had the power to stop time, i could stop the world and just go on for weeks reading and writing my days away, without classes or work or anything else to interrupt. then i could resume where i left off in the real world with all my new knowledge intact. you gotta admit it would be nice.
finally, i want to say that if my writing is a little convoluted right now, its because i am reading a novel that was translated from French. Translations are never perfect and what i read definitely affects how i write.
p.s. i think im gonna go out after all.
the thing is, i want to do so many things right now. i have a reading list thousands of pages long. i want to practice my writing. pracice my speaking. to just work on certain things i need to change to become a better individual in general. i want to take a lot of time to spend alone doing these things, but not have the rest of the world pass me by. and its not that i cant do them with my life proceeding as normal, but i dont have the patience for it. i have been working on the same book for over a week. i love it but i got so frustrated with it taking so long that i have started two other books since and now i am splitting my time between all three.
what prompts me to say this is that its thursday night, im 22 years old and 14 weeks from graduating college. there is no reason i should not go out tonight and have a good time with my friends. but i really want to stay at home and finish at least one of these books tonight. its a real conundrum. ha.
but if i had the power to stop time, i could stop the world and just go on for weeks reading and writing my days away, without classes or work or anything else to interrupt. then i could resume where i left off in the real world with all my new knowledge intact. you gotta admit it would be nice.
finally, i want to say that if my writing is a little convoluted right now, its because i am reading a novel that was translated from French. Translations are never perfect and what i read definitely affects how i write.
p.s. i think im gonna go out after all.
28 February 2006
updates yet again
i feel like something important is going on with me right now, but i cant put my finger on it. however, i have decided to start blogging again so i will be right here and ready to document whatever it is that is on my horizon.
it is perhaps that i feel a lot less uncertain about things than i did a few months ago. I have a future roommate, we are moving in together either in april or may (i have decided that no matter what my employment situation, i will be in philly for another year). i have a job, a super-crappy job at rite aid, but a job nonetheless. if worst comes to worst it will pay my rent.
i have new uncertainties too, related to my last post. but these are exciting ones like where might i go to interior design school? setting up informational interviews with people in my field to learn what i need to do to achieve my goals. checking out a whole new job market for design professionals and hoping to get my foot in the door. all these things genuinely excite me, though, so i am way less anxious than i was when this term started.
i think i just have a general sense of contentedness. i was depressed for a long while and now that its lifted once again, i feel like i dont really have a care in the world. like i can count on everything working out in the end. boundless confidence.
so, that was extremely circuitous. it really doesnt have much to do with what i was saying in the beginning. i feel like something important is happening to me, unrelated to all those things. as soon as i figure out what, you (my few loyal readers) will be the first to know.
it is perhaps that i feel a lot less uncertain about things than i did a few months ago. I have a future roommate, we are moving in together either in april or may (i have decided that no matter what my employment situation, i will be in philly for another year). i have a job, a super-crappy job at rite aid, but a job nonetheless. if worst comes to worst it will pay my rent.
i have new uncertainties too, related to my last post. but these are exciting ones like where might i go to interior design school? setting up informational interviews with people in my field to learn what i need to do to achieve my goals. checking out a whole new job market for design professionals and hoping to get my foot in the door. all these things genuinely excite me, though, so i am way less anxious than i was when this term started.
i think i just have a general sense of contentedness. i was depressed for a long while and now that its lifted once again, i feel like i dont really have a care in the world. like i can count on everything working out in the end. boundless confidence.
so, that was extremely circuitous. it really doesnt have much to do with what i was saying in the beginning. i feel like something important is happening to me, unrelated to all those things. as soon as i figure out what, you (my few loyal readers) will be the first to know.
25 February 2006
For the Future
Im not the type of person who plans for the future. im a pretty morbid girl and never really expected to live this long (i feel ancient at age 22!). i dont think i can really count on tomorow so i dont really bother.
but senior year of college will force you to face your future, as certain or otherwise as it may be. i was terrified at the thought of spending my life as a biomedical engineer and nauseated at the thought of making a real decision, deciding what excited me and what i really wanted to do with my life. Something had been in the back of my mind for years, but i was afraid to admit it.
a good friend of mine and a great teacher says 'i believe in destiny, but destiny wont do all the work. you have to meet your destiny halfway. you have to seek it out'. For once in my life i feel like my destiny found me, and all it took was some mental preparation. I had been calling 2006 'the year of destiny' and it has exceeded its title already (its only february).
so if you have been wondering, i have decided to go into interior design. I have developed a real passion for beautifying interiors and i am confident that i will meet success. For at least the past two years, every time i walked into a room, the first thing on my mind is 'how can i make this space better?' and i dont think its that big a stretch from my degree in biomechanics and minor in ergonomics. i cant help but feel that some of my closest family friends will be dissappointed in me.
I come from a clan of scientists and technical professionals. But i recently learned that i also come from a mother who made the decision i was about to make. Who pursued a technical career to please her family but had always yearned for a more artistic profession. And who, at 48, still regrets the decision and wants something better for her daughter, even if it means a level of financial uncertainty. i love my mommy and 2006 still holds a lot of suprises for me. I will spend the next 10 months actively seeking out my destiny, keep your fingers crossed for me.
but senior year of college will force you to face your future, as certain or otherwise as it may be. i was terrified at the thought of spending my life as a biomedical engineer and nauseated at the thought of making a real decision, deciding what excited me and what i really wanted to do with my life. Something had been in the back of my mind for years, but i was afraid to admit it.
a good friend of mine and a great teacher says 'i believe in destiny, but destiny wont do all the work. you have to meet your destiny halfway. you have to seek it out'. For once in my life i feel like my destiny found me, and all it took was some mental preparation. I had been calling 2006 'the year of destiny' and it has exceeded its title already (its only february).
so if you have been wondering, i have decided to go into interior design. I have developed a real passion for beautifying interiors and i am confident that i will meet success. For at least the past two years, every time i walked into a room, the first thing on my mind is 'how can i make this space better?' and i dont think its that big a stretch from my degree in biomechanics and minor in ergonomics. i cant help but feel that some of my closest family friends will be dissappointed in me.
I come from a clan of scientists and technical professionals. But i recently learned that i also come from a mother who made the decision i was about to make. Who pursued a technical career to please her family but had always yearned for a more artistic profession. And who, at 48, still regrets the decision and wants something better for her daughter, even if it means a level of financial uncertainty. i love my mommy and 2006 still holds a lot of suprises for me. I will spend the next 10 months actively seeking out my destiny, keep your fingers crossed for me.
26 January 2006
analogous to...
k. this is gonna sound totally chiche... but dig it.
i came up with an analogy i think is pretty cool... on my walk home today from school (didnt mean to rhyme here).
my life is like a potted flowering plant. to drive the final nail into the cliche coffin, call it a rosebush. My roots are confined by the stereotypes and oppression of American society, my stem is trimmed and trained by my parents to grot tall and true. to grow up proud and beautiful in the way they have directed me. But the thing about a plant is that you can trim abberant branches without causing harm, and sometimes its good to pluck extra leaves. But when the roses begin to bloom, you cannot control the blossoms.
That is where i am now. I am at a point in my life where all my parents can do is give me sunlight and water, that is nurture me and help me out when i need it. they can shore up my stem if it becomes weak. but they cant change my blossoms.
i guess that its not just my parents, but all the people that i have let influence my life. Another side to the analogy is that if i let too many negative things or people into my life, they will block my sunlight and taint my soil. The blossoms of a plant will inevitably reflect that.
Its a corny analogy, i take it all back.
:-P
i came up with an analogy i think is pretty cool... on my walk home today from school (didnt mean to rhyme here).
my life is like a potted flowering plant. to drive the final nail into the cliche coffin, call it a rosebush. My roots are confined by the stereotypes and oppression of American society, my stem is trimmed and trained by my parents to grot tall and true. to grow up proud and beautiful in the way they have directed me. But the thing about a plant is that you can trim abberant branches without causing harm, and sometimes its good to pluck extra leaves. But when the roses begin to bloom, you cannot control the blossoms.
That is where i am now. I am at a point in my life where all my parents can do is give me sunlight and water, that is nurture me and help me out when i need it. they can shore up my stem if it becomes weak. but they cant change my blossoms.
i guess that its not just my parents, but all the people that i have let influence my life. Another side to the analogy is that if i let too many negative things or people into my life, they will block my sunlight and taint my soil. The blossoms of a plant will inevitably reflect that.
Its a corny analogy, i take it all back.
:-P
15 January 2006
Inspired
I just remembered something... as it usually goes in the wee hours. hearkening back to that whole entry about signs. I have a necklace that my ex BF gave me. I usually keep it tucked away, angry memories and all... but i decided to wear it recently and it actually looked really good (i was honestly suprised).
but theni went out and i passed out on my friend's couch and woke up and it was broken. i must have broken it in my sleep... hope its a good sign and hes not like dead or something. i'll be keepin my eyes open. :-)
but theni went out and i passed out on my friend's couch and woke up and it was broken. i must have broken it in my sleep... hope its a good sign and hes not like dead or something. i'll be keepin my eyes open. :-)
uninspired
i desperately want to write a nice little blog entry right now. i have been rereading my blog and reading other peoples back entries all day looking for inspiration. sorry to say that i have found none. i think my life is becoming a little covert. theres stuff thts on my mind that i am not at liberty to discuss, or that isnt really something i would want people reading about. Its funny to me cus i am such an 'open-book' sort of girl... to suddenly have so many secrets. i feel like i am in the middle of some intense 'noir' situation and i should be walking around in a wide-brimmed black hat with a scarf and shades and a trench coat... smoke cigarettes with a really long holder and be smug and mysterious... and wear really dark lipstick so it shows up in black and white.... whatever.
like i said, im uninspired... but what are you? the boss of blog entries?
:-P
like i said, im uninspired... but what are you? the boss of blog entries?
:-P
10 January 2006
Unwanted lessons
Tomorow i have an interview for a job i want desperately. I have prepared, i set out my clotes. I checked and double-checked the time and location. I even google searched the interviewer... borderline stalker tactics! Im ready!
But i think i am nervous. I honestly do not know what nervous feels like. Its not something i have experienced before. I have no trouble talking in front of people, no problem taking tests. I dont worry about much so i have never really had occasion to feel nervous before... which, up until tonight i would have called a good thing.
But now i think i am nervous. Any time someone asks me about the big interview, i feel queasy... and i am not feeling tired even thought i got up at 10 (really early for me) this morning. If i had felt this sensation before, i would know how to handle it, but i am at a loss. And i dont want to admit to anyone close to me that i am feeling nervous, even if they could offer some advice. I was proud of my never having felt this way... and now i dont have that claim to fame.
So far this year i have had another experience like this, but it is anothe story. I learned in May what 'anxiety' is. That was disturbing. Another sensation i had never experienced that came on at a really horrible time. But thats another entry folks.
If you read this, do me a favor and dont mention the interview. If it went exceptionally well, i will let you know, i promise.
But i think i am nervous. I honestly do not know what nervous feels like. Its not something i have experienced before. I have no trouble talking in front of people, no problem taking tests. I dont worry about much so i have never really had occasion to feel nervous before... which, up until tonight i would have called a good thing.
But now i think i am nervous. Any time someone asks me about the big interview, i feel queasy... and i am not feeling tired even thought i got up at 10 (really early for me) this morning. If i had felt this sensation before, i would know how to handle it, but i am at a loss. And i dont want to admit to anyone close to me that i am feeling nervous, even if they could offer some advice. I was proud of my never having felt this way... and now i dont have that claim to fame.
So far this year i have had another experience like this, but it is anothe story. I learned in May what 'anxiety' is. That was disturbing. Another sensation i had never experienced that came on at a really horrible time. But thats another entry folks.
If you read this, do me a favor and dont mention the interview. If it went exceptionally well, i will let you know, i promise.
05 January 2006
updates. again.
Havent posted in a while. i have a loose policy against having too many posts ina row with no comments so i was kinda waiting (thanks Tammy!). Some crazy stuff has gone down with the young man from the last post. Once again, out of respect for him i wont post the allegations... but its quite a tale, you should be sad that you cant read about it. HA! i've also been pretty sick. holed up in my little apartment sucking down hot tea and eating lunchmeat sandwiches (and not showering... really, you should smell me). But im back in action and as soon as the inspiration strikes, i will be posting like crazy. Its hard to think of something to write when you havent seen the light of day in almost a week. Anyhow, happy new year to anyone who hasnt heard it from me yet, and i am letting you know now that my birthday is on Feb 3rd.... so dont forget! :-D
18 December 2005
something wierd...
Ok.. so i wear this necklace, its a silver chain with a heart (not a Beta) pendant. And i usually wear this ring around it (the ring sort of covers the heart). It wear them together as a reminder: that i am not ready for a committment, that i need to guard my heart, that i dont want to get emotionally involved with someone romantically. I wear it as a reminder to protect my feelings and generally just keep my distance. It does a good job, you can catch me holding it and thinking deeply on a regular basis. Im not bitter, i dont hate men or relationships. I just know that i dont want to be hurt and i dont want to be so intensely involved with someone that my emotions and my happiness are at stake. I learned the hard way that i am not ready for relationships like that.
Anyhow, this post is about something wierd that happened to me over the course of the past three weeks. Out of respect for the other party involved, i am going to keep things just a little vague.
So i met this guy at a bar and we really hit it off. Hes sweet and interesting. Hes gentle and patient and hes really cute! Three days later, i lost the ring that i wear on my necklace as a reminder, and that day he told me that he really cared about me and hoped that we could be a part of each others' lives for a long time. I got a little worried. I believe in fate and i believe in signs. I couldnt help but feel that somehow my losing this ring on this day was not a meaningless coincidence. But i put it out of my mind for the time being.
Things went on for anothe three weeks and i felt like our relationship was moving too fast. He wanted a girlfriend, and the thought of having a boyfriend right now almost litterally makes me want to vomit. He felt like he cared abotu me more than i cared about him and from his point of view, he felt almost like i was using him.
So today i decided to try to put a little distance between us. I really like him and i think he is an absolutely wonderful person, but i dont want emotional attachment and i dont want to lead him on. So i basically broke it off, we decided to take a step back and reevaluate how we feel. It was all extremely mature.
But the crazy thing is, i mean the CRAZY thing: i went out after we had this discussion, i just came back into my apartment like 10 minutes ago, and the first thing that happens, I FIND THE FREAKNIG RING!!! how freaky is that. It made me feel like i had made the correct decision in not letting myself get swept away into something that probably would not have been healthy for me at this point in my life. I found the ring and i just couldnt believe it. I know this is no coincidence.
SO anyway, thats my wierd little story. I guess the point is to be open minded to the seemingly benign things that occur every day. I always believed in signs, but you just cant expect a burning bush to talk to you on like 22nd and locust. You have to be looking out more carefully. The signs are there.
Anyhow, this post is about something wierd that happened to me over the course of the past three weeks. Out of respect for the other party involved, i am going to keep things just a little vague.
So i met this guy at a bar and we really hit it off. Hes sweet and interesting. Hes gentle and patient and hes really cute! Three days later, i lost the ring that i wear on my necklace as a reminder, and that day he told me that he really cared about me and hoped that we could be a part of each others' lives for a long time. I got a little worried. I believe in fate and i believe in signs. I couldnt help but feel that somehow my losing this ring on this day was not a meaningless coincidence. But i put it out of my mind for the time being.
Things went on for anothe three weeks and i felt like our relationship was moving too fast. He wanted a girlfriend, and the thought of having a boyfriend right now almost litterally makes me want to vomit. He felt like he cared abotu me more than i cared about him and from his point of view, he felt almost like i was using him.
So today i decided to try to put a little distance between us. I really like him and i think he is an absolutely wonderful person, but i dont want emotional attachment and i dont want to lead him on. So i basically broke it off, we decided to take a step back and reevaluate how we feel. It was all extremely mature.
But the crazy thing is, i mean the CRAZY thing: i went out after we had this discussion, i just came back into my apartment like 10 minutes ago, and the first thing that happens, I FIND THE FREAKNIG RING!!! how freaky is that. It made me feel like i had made the correct decision in not letting myself get swept away into something that probably would not have been healthy for me at this point in my life. I found the ring and i just couldnt believe it. I know this is no coincidence.
SO anyway, thats my wierd little story. I guess the point is to be open minded to the seemingly benign things that occur every day. I always believed in signs, but you just cant expect a burning bush to talk to you on like 22nd and locust. You have to be looking out more carefully. The signs are there.
15 December 2005
my life...
... needs a stunt double. its become my new favorte phrase. i need someone to hang around and step in to handle all the crappy crap that i dont wanna deal with. 10-page term paper: time for a stunt double! time to go to work? nah-uh, time for a stunt double! akward situation, have the stunt double handle it. long boring conversation, stunt-double time! You can see the benefits here.
I've just been in such a good mood for so long. now that things are starting to get to me, i miss my happy little bubble. I think its dating... i was much happier when i was a militant non-dater. Anyhow, this is just a little complaint blurb. not much to say, and i am supposed to be writing that 10-page paper now anyway...
my life needs a stunt double... really. 'nuff said.
I've just been in such a good mood for so long. now that things are starting to get to me, i miss my happy little bubble. I think its dating... i was much happier when i was a militant non-dater. Anyhow, this is just a little complaint blurb. not much to say, and i am supposed to be writing that 10-page paper now anyway...
my life needs a stunt double... really. 'nuff said.
07 December 2005
cover letter pt 2
hi, my name is Morgan and i am a very desperate woman. if you dont hire me i may have to move back home with my parents, or get a job waiting tables... either one is likely to end abruptly with suicide.
(enter your company's mission statement here) is my whole passion in my life, i live for (your company's mission statement). if it will get me the job, i will get (your company's mission statement) tattooed across my forehead! i'm a great leader if you dig that, and if you dont, i am an awesome follower as well. in my spare time i like to (enter your favorite hobby) and as far as campus activities go, i hold an exectuive position in (enter whatever organization you belonged to in college). i work well with others if thats what you want to hear, and if not, forget i mentioned it! i have innumerable skills. i will mop the freakin floors if you'll pay me 35K to do it. i am not willing to relocate, but i will drive 7 hours to work, work for 8, and drive 7 hours back to shower and change clothes then do it all over again... this may cost you another 5K. i have lots of job experience. i have 25 years of experience (i'm older than i look) as an (enter job title here) and it was my favorite job ever! being a (enter job title here) is all i have ever dreamed about. heres all three of my phone numbers, two e-mail addresses, two mailing addresses and about 24 copies of my resume (my printer ran out of paper or i would give you more). share them with your friends. i hope to hear from you soon.
(enter your company's mission statement here) is my whole passion in my life, i live for (your company's mission statement). if it will get me the job, i will get (your company's mission statement) tattooed across my forehead! i'm a great leader if you dig that, and if you dont, i am an awesome follower as well. in my spare time i like to (enter your favorite hobby) and as far as campus activities go, i hold an exectuive position in (enter whatever organization you belonged to in college). i work well with others if thats what you want to hear, and if not, forget i mentioned it! i have innumerable skills. i will mop the freakin floors if you'll pay me 35K to do it. i am not willing to relocate, but i will drive 7 hours to work, work for 8, and drive 7 hours back to shower and change clothes then do it all over again... this may cost you another 5K. i have lots of job experience. i have 25 years of experience (i'm older than i look) as an (enter job title here) and it was my favorite job ever! being a (enter job title here) is all i have ever dreamed about. heres all three of my phone numbers, two e-mail addresses, two mailing addresses and about 24 copies of my resume (my printer ran out of paper or i would give you more). share them with your friends. i hope to hear from you soon.
01 December 2005
chivalry?
So, i would never use the word 'chivalrous' to describe any of my male friends. most of the time i would say something more along the lines of 'bum' and 'jerk', but always 'friend'. but something happened the other day that was just so utterly refreshing, i had a new appreciation for the guys in my life.
i was on my way to drop off a job application and i ran into two of my guy friends outside a store on chestnut street, they were hangin out with some girls i didnt know. So i ran over to say 'hi' and chat for a while and as we were standing outside this kinda creepy guy yells something at me, which i ignored. then the guy yells out 'is that your girlfriend?' and, now this is the part that shocked me, both of my guy friends replied 'yea'. he screams at us 'shes cute' and they both go 'i know'.
now, this is a situation i have been in a number of times: out with a guy who i am not romantically involved with and when someone hits on me like that, i am usually left to fend for myself. that is, unless the guy is too aggressive or too creepy, or if i indicate to my male friend somehow that i want his help, or i just say that hes my BF. But, with guys that are just my friends, i have never had anyone just look out for me like that, without really thinking about it, automatically, without my asking.
these particular men have exhibited this behavior once before at a party. And it seems that all the guys in this circle of friends are all really on the same page on this issue. and it leaves me to wonder why they do this and other guys i know dont. maybe they think that women dont want to be protected, or maybe they think i might be interested in this rude stranger addressing me by some feature of my apparel. whatever it is, i didnt have a problem with it till yesterday.
like i said, it was just really refreshing, and i really appreciated it. and it was so novel to me, i thought i would write it down.
i was on my way to drop off a job application and i ran into two of my guy friends outside a store on chestnut street, they were hangin out with some girls i didnt know. So i ran over to say 'hi' and chat for a while and as we were standing outside this kinda creepy guy yells something at me, which i ignored. then the guy yells out 'is that your girlfriend?' and, now this is the part that shocked me, both of my guy friends replied 'yea'. he screams at us 'shes cute' and they both go 'i know'.
now, this is a situation i have been in a number of times: out with a guy who i am not romantically involved with and when someone hits on me like that, i am usually left to fend for myself. that is, unless the guy is too aggressive or too creepy, or if i indicate to my male friend somehow that i want his help, or i just say that hes my BF. But, with guys that are just my friends, i have never had anyone just look out for me like that, without really thinking about it, automatically, without my asking.
these particular men have exhibited this behavior once before at a party. And it seems that all the guys in this circle of friends are all really on the same page on this issue. and it leaves me to wonder why they do this and other guys i know dont. maybe they think that women dont want to be protected, or maybe they think i might be interested in this rude stranger addressing me by some feature of my apparel. whatever it is, i didnt have a problem with it till yesterday.
like i said, it was just really refreshing, and i really appreciated it. and it was so novel to me, i thought i would write it down.
19 November 2005
measuring up
i have become a true advocate of spending time alone. because of the shortage of loot, absence of a significant other, and a serious committment to getting to know myself as well as possible before this whole college thing comes to an end, i decided a couple months ago that i would spend at least one weekend night each week at home, by myself. i think a lot in this time; usually do a lot of sleeping and cleaning and reading.
I was thinking about peoples roles in each other's lives, and those lives in general. I have concluded that a big part of a lot of things we do has to do with measuring up our lives. We want a some sort of standard for comparison. We want someone else's perspective. When i spend these nights alone, committed to a certain degree of isolation, like i said i think a lot, and after all that thinking, i usually get a strong urge to call someone. I want to run these ideas past another person, but that is not what introspection is all about. I think that we crave this contact to sort of check up on how we are doing. I believe that a lot of things, outside conversation, cater to this need. Take television for example. There are a million dramas, comedies, and sitcoms to choose from. Each depicting someone's 'normal' everyday life. Why would this entertain us? Sometimes it is funny, sometimes its emotional or suspenseful, but mostly its a grounds for comparison. We can measure up our relationship troubles against someone on television and see within a half hour how they handled the situation. We can be warned of the negative consequences of certain behaviors before we had even decided to do them. We can see a dozen examples of situations we face in our own lives, played out on television, with a dozen different outcomes, in the span of a single night.
this is probably why i prefer to watch cartoons. but, nonetheless, i have always been a person who shunned standards. i dont measure myself by anyone else's standards but my own. If i am happy and i feel good in my heart, then i am doing fine, no matter what anyone else has to say. And i guess this is why i am advocating spending time alone. Even with all the effort i put into being my own person, it is hard to break the habit of wanting someone else to evaluate my life. Alone time allows you to build these personal standards, to decide what sort of person you want to be. Then it gives you the time to actually work towards that goal. I think that if you fill all your time with other people, you will find yourself always comparing, always evaluating, but never really making any progress.
So, i suppose all that is to say, even though its hard, its probably a good idea to committ some time for yourself, to avoid those things that can compell you to measure your life against something else, and to really think and evaluate your life based on you.
And if you cant handle it, watch TV (alone).
That has been my personal piece advocating my personal cause. and, before anyone says it, i realize that my blog is catering to my need to be evaluated by others. i said a degree of isolation, not a night of hermitage!
I was thinking about peoples roles in each other's lives, and those lives in general. I have concluded that a big part of a lot of things we do has to do with measuring up our lives. We want a some sort of standard for comparison. We want someone else's perspective. When i spend these nights alone, committed to a certain degree of isolation, like i said i think a lot, and after all that thinking, i usually get a strong urge to call someone. I want to run these ideas past another person, but that is not what introspection is all about. I think that we crave this contact to sort of check up on how we are doing. I believe that a lot of things, outside conversation, cater to this need. Take television for example. There are a million dramas, comedies, and sitcoms to choose from. Each depicting someone's 'normal' everyday life. Why would this entertain us? Sometimes it is funny, sometimes its emotional or suspenseful, but mostly its a grounds for comparison. We can measure up our relationship troubles against someone on television and see within a half hour how they handled the situation. We can be warned of the negative consequences of certain behaviors before we had even decided to do them. We can see a dozen examples of situations we face in our own lives, played out on television, with a dozen different outcomes, in the span of a single night.
this is probably why i prefer to watch cartoons. but, nonetheless, i have always been a person who shunned standards. i dont measure myself by anyone else's standards but my own. If i am happy and i feel good in my heart, then i am doing fine, no matter what anyone else has to say. And i guess this is why i am advocating spending time alone. Even with all the effort i put into being my own person, it is hard to break the habit of wanting someone else to evaluate my life. Alone time allows you to build these personal standards, to decide what sort of person you want to be. Then it gives you the time to actually work towards that goal. I think that if you fill all your time with other people, you will find yourself always comparing, always evaluating, but never really making any progress.
So, i suppose all that is to say, even though its hard, its probably a good idea to committ some time for yourself, to avoid those things that can compell you to measure your life against something else, and to really think and evaluate your life based on you.
And if you cant handle it, watch TV (alone).
That has been my personal piece advocating my personal cause. and, before anyone says it, i realize that my blog is catering to my need to be evaluated by others. i said a degree of isolation, not a night of hermitage!
05 November 2005
tests
i was thinking (rare occurrence, i know) just about life and stuff. i actually think a lot about life when i watch anime. i guess i am letting on about how big a nerd i actually am on the inside. so anyhow, i was thinking about how life tests you.
a lot of people feel that they are being tested when things go wrong in their lives. We tackle the challenge of rising above our problems and learning from and adapting to the situation. Its all very human. We look deep inside ourselves for the answers. was it something i did? how can i make sure this never happens again? what is the best way for me to react? what lessons can i apply to my everyday life? how does this affect my principles? Being tested is an important part of life and the way you deal with these tests is what separates an adult from a child, girl from woman, boy from man. holding on to the lessons you gain from these tests is what growing up is all about. But we arent just tested when things get hard.
i think that a finer, more subtle test in life is when things are going well. how do you handle yourself when it feels like you'ge got 'the world on a string'? Those periods in life when things just seem to fall into place are another sort of test. a test of character, a test of resolve. Because it is so easy to put away those important things you learned when things were going bad. The changes you promised yourself you would make, the lessons you said you would never forget. How quickly they all escape our minds when things are looking up. Its so easy to become full of yourself, as if your good fortune is under your control. Or to feel like these good things are things that are owed to you. To just get a general sense of cockiness.
When it feels like everything is being handed to you on a platter, and stuff just starts to fall into place, that is the real test. Thats what really separates the adults from the children. Here is the time to prove your character, not in a tearfully painful life lesson, but in those times when life is just easy.
As rare as they may be.
a lot of people feel that they are being tested when things go wrong in their lives. We tackle the challenge of rising above our problems and learning from and adapting to the situation. Its all very human. We look deep inside ourselves for the answers. was it something i did? how can i make sure this never happens again? what is the best way for me to react? what lessons can i apply to my everyday life? how does this affect my principles? Being tested is an important part of life and the way you deal with these tests is what separates an adult from a child, girl from woman, boy from man. holding on to the lessons you gain from these tests is what growing up is all about. But we arent just tested when things get hard.
i think that a finer, more subtle test in life is when things are going well. how do you handle yourself when it feels like you'ge got 'the world on a string'? Those periods in life when things just seem to fall into place are another sort of test. a test of character, a test of resolve. Because it is so easy to put away those important things you learned when things were going bad. The changes you promised yourself you would make, the lessons you said you would never forget. How quickly they all escape our minds when things are looking up. Its so easy to become full of yourself, as if your good fortune is under your control. Or to feel like these good things are things that are owed to you. To just get a general sense of cockiness.
When it feels like everything is being handed to you on a platter, and stuff just starts to fall into place, that is the real test. Thats what really separates the adults from the children. Here is the time to prove your character, not in a tearfully painful life lesson, but in those times when life is just easy.
As rare as they may be.
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