Part 1

This is the first part in a trilogy: the right to be selfish, allowing myself to not, and extroversion. Its another self-inspection sort of thing about how I have changed. I know its monotonous, but at this point in my life, I value these self-assessments.

The right to be selfish: As a woman, a black woman no less, I have come to accept what is handed to me and do the best with it. That’s not the only reason, but I think it’s a big part. Its who I am (or was) really. Make the best of a bad situation, don’t make too many ripples. I think a lot of women behave this way, just off my observations. And I have to say I hate it. I have always hated it. Its easy at first, but when you look back on all the things you’ve given up for god knows what reason, you start to think. I have always been amazed and some peoples’ sense of self-entitlement. For instance: I have a close guy friend who I’ve known since high school. He needed a place to stay for a while while he saved up money for an apartment, so I let him stay with me. First of all, I told him at the beginning that he had a month to get himself together, and he hadn’t even started looking at places till a month and two weeks later. Secondly, when he moved in he made a big deal about how he would be a better squatter than my last one, about how he would clean up and help me out around the house. I am unpleased to report that that behavior lasted about three weeks. So he finally moves out. Not a single word of thanks the whole time, no appreciation. Then I am going on vacation for a week and I need someone to watch my cats. He offers to take them in and I bring em over with everything they need and come get em back when I get home. I see him again a couple days later and he has the nerve to tell me I should pay him for watching my cats!! Mind you, I lent this boi money months ago to get a tattoo, money he said he would repay me in two weeks, $25 of which he still owes me at this point. I was dumbfounded.

In my experience, all guys are like this. Maybe not to this exrtent, but they are raised to believe that they deserve the things they get and when they work, they deserve a reward. They are also conditioned to believe that if someone doesn’t ask for a reward or any thanks, then they don’t deserve it. I cant knock guys for how they act, I really cant. Its not even their fault, we are living in a male-dominated society, who can blame them for thinking they own the world, they kinda do! And you know what they say, if you cant beat em… so I have turned over a new leaf. I have a rigbt to be selfish too. Even moreso because most of the time I do deserve the things I ask for. I work hard to get what I want, I treat the people I care about as best I possibly can, I will give whatever I can to help a friend out. That’s me. But, it’s a man’s world and being giving and loving all the time isn’t gonna get you anywhere or any-damn-thing. So, take what you want when it comes your way, ask for what you think you deserve, no matter how absurd. Look out for number one because no matter how hard you try not to believe it, you are the only person who’s going to do so. That’s real, girls… believe it.

roaches.

i love my apartment. i really do. its like a dormroom plus two! i have one room, a walk-in closet with built in furniture, and a tiny kitchen. its what i have dreamed about since i was a kid. i always valued self-sufficiency and efficiency. i always wanted to move everything i needed into my bedroom so i didnt have to hike it up and down stairs from room to room to do what i had to do. so my apartment is what i have always wanted. everything is a few footsteps away, i have room for all my stuff (well, almost) and i have it decorated all cool, just the way i always invisioned.

the only problem is the bugs. when i moved to this building i had no idea it was infested. i keep my place clean. i wipe up spills, i wash dishes when i use them, i vacuum and dust once a week. i take out the trash almost every day, i keep food in airtight containers or the fridge and i febreeze my furniture every morning before i leave the house. what more can a girl do? theres this really old blind guy that lives in the first apartment by the door and i swear his place is the nest of all the critters. they hang out on the OUTSIDE of his door, more than three at a time. roaches, just chillin there like its ok!! i am really sad cus i feel i have the perfect apartment in teh perfect location with affordable rent and no roommates, but now i really want to move.

i'm not comfortable using pesticides because i have two kittens (and because pesticides are neurotoxins, toxic to me as well). tomorow i am going to call my maintenance people and complain, then i am gonna call my realtor and ask about breaking my lease to move out. i am really mroe concerned with making sure i dont carry any pests to my new apartment when i do finally move (my lease is up in spring and my initial plan was to move to a three-room place in germantown at that time, this is still what i would really like to do but given the circumstances i dont know how to handle this). i am thinking i should probably rent a truck and put all my crap in there, then get an exterminator to bomb the truck, let it air out, then move in to my new apartment.

i guess i am just writing about this cus i am at my wits' end. i am as clean as i could possibly be. i bought some of those sonic pest repellers, i even put down that powder to kill em. i sprayed behind the stove and under the fridge (before i left for vacation and while the cats were away). and today i am chillin on my couch watchin adult swim and a baby roach starts crawlin up my wine glass! i know its gross, it grossed me out too. before this i had only seen bugs in my tiny kitchen, or sometimes on the ceiling where i couldnt reach em to kill em. but right on my couch, liiking at me like "can i get a sip?" ITS TOO MUCH!!

The thrill of the crush

OK, so my blog is becoming love-life central. Just bear wtih me, when i am back in classes and when i get a job, i will have other things to talk about. Right now all i got for ya is introspect, so deal with it!

I used to be a chase person. I liked someone till they were too into me. I would date someone just until they started in with the words "exclusive" or "comittment" then squash it with a vengence (the sole exception being my exBF). It sounds messed up, but people gotta lighten up. We're all so young, life is great right now, relationships are a hastle, and i know that one fact more than anything. The chase is about compulsive behavior, moving fast, playing it by ear, and you just can't make a successful relationship out of something like that. Real relationships are born of friendships and romace, time and effort, much the opposite of pure chase tactics.

So anyhow, being as though i dont want to date anyone, the chase thing is out. And, in lne with my whole "loving life for life's sake" thing, i'm takin a trip back in time to when crushes were real. I have come to appreciate spending time with people with not alterior motives, no intentions, just hanging out and having fun. I also have come to appreciate liking someone from afar. I like how you can attribute whatever traits you want to a person you dont really know. Its almost magical how just seeing this person can brighten your day. No contact, no conversation, no akward flirting, no crappy first, second, last dates. Just a really innocent sort of appreciation and unrequited affection. It may sound stupid, but give it a try. Theres probably someone around thats been catching your eye. next time you see them, let yoursef feel whatever you are feeling. The tendency today is for action, why think about something if you arent going to do anything about it? Why waste the time? But if you think about how often you make a move and just wish you hadnt bothered, you will understand where i am coming from. Sometimes fiction is better than the truth. Most of the time...

So you can catch me daydreaming about the various crushes i have developed, and forming platonic reltionships instead of dating, and loving it. No pressure, no intentions, no expectations, no regrets.

Retrospect

I read through all my old blog entries (all 38 of them) and it was interesting (and i dont mean the horrible typos). I've changed so much, so many of the things that weighed heavily on my mind back then are just distant memories at this point. Co-op is over, dating is over. Some of my old problems have just been replaced by new ones: instead of vivid dreams i hardly sleep at all now, and the BF who turned into the man i loved (past tense) really betrayed me, i had never felt hurt like the one he dished out. I have had a lot of great experiences. I have a new love, we arent together, but i love him nonetheless. I got this awesome apartment in the best location i could have asked for. And two kittens to keep me company. I learned so much about so many things over the year+ that i have been (un-diligently) keeping up this blog. I even have some brand new problems. I got money issues now, bills, apartment issues, some other little crappy nagging problems, whatever. I have had two friends crash here for over a month each (which is really something else when you see the size of the studio i live in... noooo elbow room). I am DONE with dating. I had a couple really horrible experiences and a few frustrating letdowns that have led me to just swear the dating game off altogether (besides, if i play my cards just right, i could end up with the love i mentioned before). I used to hate when people said this, but i am really appreciating life for life's sake. I wake up every day and i feel so happy and free and alive. I do what i want when i want and i have nothing else to focus on besides school and being happy. I dropped out of BSMS and i picked up a minor (didnt change my major though). My minor is in human factors and ergonomics. It sounds like maybe an interior design thing, but its actually a psych degree. I have been writing a lot more thanks to the inspiration of my mentor and a great class i took with the most amazing people. If you get the chance, you should sign up for "The Culture of Respect" in the winter. I may be TAing this class. The teacher is the best on campus, hands down. Its an amazing course, you are guaranteed to learn something new and important every single week, i promise it personally. I cant even really say how smoothly things are going for me right now, its hard to describe. When stuff sucks theres a lot to think about, but (besides being short on cash) life right now is absolutely wonderful and i wouldnt change a thing.
Besides my euphoric existence: i still have only put on a bra on a handful of occasions since i swore them off. Usually because the shirt i want to wear is just too transparent to pull it off. I got my lip pierced (but i will be taking it out before i start interviewing for real jobs). I bleached some of my hair, wore it for a couple months, then dyed it all back (well, not really 'back' cus my hair used to be several shades of brown, it bleaches really easily from the sun, and i dyed it black because the brown shades looked so fake to me). At the moment i am sporting a great Florida tan (i experienced my first thong bikini on vacation this past week, but you all dont need to hear abt that [donno why i'm saying 'you all', i havent posted in so long i think i have lost all of my 3 readers]). I still miss my poppop and reading that sad blog made me so sad. I still havent mastered my bike, but i'm getting there.

Its so wierd. I just feel so much older after reading all the things i've had do say since i started my blog. I was just talking to my bestestest friend about how things have changed. I used to have a tight-knit group of friends from school, but we've gone our separate ways. I spent three years with the same boyfriend, but now hes completely out of my life. For a while i started to feel this huge sense of loss. My feelings evolved from that perspective like this: first i felt sad cus i had all these happy memories from the beginning of college. Then i felt mad that i felt this sad. Like i had wasted my time building the relationships that i did for so many of them to have fizzled away like this. But now i feel content. Things went the way they did for a reason, with school, with friends, even with my ex. And i am so happy now, i cant imaginw why i would complain. The relationships that lasted are the ones that were meant to last, and the ones that didnt werent a loss at all because of the experiences i gained and the things i learned. I would not be who i am today where i am today and as completely satisfied as i am today if things did not go exactly as they did. If i didnt break up with my BF i would have never realized how unhealthy our relationship had become, i would never have put the work and thought into developing myself to be something better than i was (even if it was mostly for his sake), i would probably have never realized that he just isnt the one for me (even if it was the most painful thing i have ever experienced). If i hadnt drifted from my friends at school, i probably wouldnt be living on my own right now (even though its tougher than i expected), i probably wouldnt have made the new friends that i have (even though i dearly miss some of my old ones), and i probably wouldnt have done half the things i did in this past nine months (even though some of those things i probably shouldnt have done). This may be my most boring blog entry to date, but its the truth. Its just mroe about growing up. Theres good and bad, but you just learn to accept live for life. shake off the bad, take solace in the good, and move forward, cus its the only place left to go. From all this i developed a new motto "Deny fear, face regrets, live lonely, die beautiful". Heres my 2-second explination: Deny fear (don’t let it occupy your mind) Face regrets (it’s the only way to get rid of them) Live lonely (guard your heart) Die beautiful (it’s the last thing you’ll ever do).

And a bonus haiku, in case anyone is reading and because i did say like a year ago that i would post more poetry:

1. a poem that lacks
   rhyme rhythm and style is
   all I have to give

HA!

Style

OK. so its back to my roots. none of you knew me in HS so you dont know the depths of my vanity back then. Perfect hair, perfect face, dressed to a tee. I would wear heels every day, high ones too. if i had bought a new piece of clothing and someone wore it to school before i did, i would return it. It was crazy. College was a great way to break out of that. Now i wear whatever, im not out to impress anyone and i think thats how it should be. Yet, despite my best most sincere efforts i have developed some sort of style. Style as defined by the people around me. I just get up, throw on whatever's handy, maybe brush my hair, maybe not, and do what i gotta do. however, my friends will see clothes in a store and tell me its something i would wear. Or i will compliment someones outfit and they will tell me about how they like how i am dressed. I'm a little puzzled by all this. I'm sure the vast majority of people see me as the non-color-coordinating, flip-flop wearing, boy's clothes buying person i am. But if anyone at all (even those few people who notice my apparel) is going to define me by a particular style, it should be myself. So this little blurb is my announcement of my return to the world of caring how i look. Just a little. I am sure i am cured of my narcissim. Well, not my narcissim, i still like to look at myself in the mirror (i think of that as a sign that i have come to accept the beauty in looking exactly as i naturally do). I am cured of my insane vanity is what i mean to say, so i am comfortable forming a more meaningful style around the person i really am and not for the sake of whatever i was doing it for all those years ago (i honestly dont know). Anyhow, the like one person who reads my blog probably doesnt care and wont remember anyway, but you can catch me in my new personalized look for fall. Big stupid debut in two weeks. Probably still wont brush my hair, but thats not the point...