analogous to...

k. this is gonna sound totally chiche... but dig it.

i came up with an analogy i think is pretty cool... on my walk home today from school (didnt mean to rhyme here).

my life is like a potted flowering plant. to drive the final nail into the cliche coffin, call it a rosebush. My roots are confined by the stereotypes and oppression of American society, my stem is trimmed and trained by my parents to grot tall and true. to grow up proud and beautiful in the way they have directed me. But the thing about a plant is that you can trim abberant branches without causing harm, and sometimes its good to pluck extra leaves. But when the roses begin to bloom, you cannot control the blossoms.

That is where i am now. I am at a point in my life where all my parents can do is give me sunlight and water, that is nurture me and help me out when i need it. they can shore up my stem if it becomes weak. but they cant change my blossoms.

i guess that its not just my parents, but all the people that i have let influence my life. Another side to the analogy is that if i let too many negative things or people into my life, they will block my sunlight and taint my soil. The blossoms of a plant will inevitably reflect that.

Its a corny analogy, i take it all back.
:-P

Inspired

I just remembered something... as it usually goes in the wee hours. hearkening back to that whole entry about signs. I have a necklace that my ex BF gave me. I usually keep it tucked away, angry memories and all... but i decided to wear it recently and it actually looked really good (i was honestly suprised).

but theni went out and i passed out on my friend's couch and woke up and it was broken. i must have broken it in my sleep... hope its a good sign and hes not like dead or something. i'll be keepin my eyes open. :-)

uninspired

i desperately want to write a nice little blog entry right now. i have been rereading my blog and reading other peoples back entries all day looking for inspiration. sorry to say that i have found none. i think my life is becoming a little covert. theres stuff thts on my mind that i am not at liberty to discuss, or that isnt really something i would want people reading about. Its funny to me cus i am such an 'open-book' sort of girl... to suddenly have so many secrets. i feel like i am in the middle of some intense 'noir' situation and i should be walking around in a wide-brimmed black hat with a scarf and shades and a trench coat... smoke cigarettes with a really long holder and be smug and mysterious... and wear really dark lipstick so it shows up in black and white.... whatever.

like i said, im uninspired... but what are you? the boss of blog entries?
:-P

Unwanted lessons

Tomorow i have an interview for a job i want desperately. I have prepared, i set out my clotes. I checked and double-checked the time and location. I even google searched the interviewer... borderline stalker tactics! Im ready!

But i think i am nervous. I honestly do not know what nervous feels like. Its not something i have experienced before. I have no trouble talking in front of people, no problem taking tests. I dont worry about much so i have never really had occasion to feel nervous before... which, up until tonight i would have called a good thing.

But now i think i am nervous. Any time someone asks me about the big interview, i feel queasy... and i am not feeling tired even thought i got up at 10 (really early for me) this morning. If i had felt this sensation before, i would know how to handle it, but i am at a loss. And i dont want to admit to anyone close to me that i am feeling nervous, even if they could offer some advice. I was proud of my never having felt this way... and now i dont have that claim to fame.

So far this year i have had another experience like this, but it is anothe story. I learned in May what 'anxiety' is. That was disturbing. Another sensation i had never experienced that came on at a really horrible time. But thats another entry folks.

If you read this, do me a favor and dont mention the interview. If it went exceptionally well, i will let you know, i promise.

updates. again.

Havent posted in a while. i have a loose policy against having too many posts ina row with no comments so i was kinda waiting (thanks Tammy!). Some crazy stuff has gone down with the young man from the last post. Once again, out of respect for him i wont post the allegations... but its quite a tale, you should be sad that you cant read about it. HA! i've also been pretty sick. holed up in my little apartment sucking down hot tea and eating lunchmeat sandwiches (and not showering... really, you should smell me). But im back in action and as soon as the inspiration strikes, i will be posting like crazy. Its hard to think of something to write when you havent seen the light of day in almost a week. Anyhow, happy new year to anyone who hasnt heard it from me yet, and i am letting you know now that my birthday is on Feb 3rd.... so dont forget! :-D