moment of midnight honesty

95% of the time, a guy is just something i like to have. something to keep around and make myself feel good: what a wonderful thing i possess. its silly and shallow and weak-minded, but at least i admit it. for so many years such things were a major preoccupation. i felt incomplete when i didnt have a BF, and when i did i would work and work to change him into something that other people would envy or at least admire. shameful, i know.

but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.

but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.

this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.

im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.

i wish...

if i had a super power, i just decided what i would want it to be. I would want the power to stop time... i guess its not all that super.

the thing is, i want to do so many things right now. i have a reading list thousands of pages long. i want to practice my writing. pracice my speaking. to just work on certain things i need to change to become a better individual in general. i want to take a lot of time to spend alone doing these things, but not have the rest of the world pass me by. and its not that i cant do them with my life proceeding as normal, but i dont have the patience for it. i have been working on the same book for over a week. i love it but i got so frustrated with it taking so long that i have started two other books since and now i am splitting my time between all three.

what prompts me to say this is that its thursday night, im 22 years old and 14 weeks from graduating college. there is no reason i should not go out tonight and have a good time with my friends. but i really want to stay at home and finish at least one of these books tonight. its a real conundrum. ha.

but if i had the power to stop time, i could stop the world and just go on for weeks reading and writing my days away, without classes or work or anything else to interrupt. then i could resume where i left off in the real world with all my new knowledge intact. you gotta admit it would be nice.

finally, i want to say that if my writing is a little convoluted right now, its because i am reading a novel that was translated from French. Translations are never perfect and what i read definitely affects how i write.

p.s. i think im gonna go out after all.