something wierd...

Ok.. so i wear this necklace, its a silver chain with a heart (not a Beta) pendant. And i usually wear this ring around it (the ring sort of covers the heart). It wear them together as a reminder: that i am not ready for a committment, that i need to guard my heart, that i dont want to get emotionally involved with someone romantically. I wear it as a reminder to protect my feelings and generally just keep my distance. It does a good job, you can catch me holding it and thinking deeply on a regular basis. Im not bitter, i dont hate men or relationships. I just know that i dont want to be hurt and i dont want to be so intensely involved with someone that my emotions and my happiness are at stake. I learned the hard way that i am not ready for relationships like that.

Anyhow, this post is about something wierd that happened to me over the course of the past three weeks. Out of respect for the other party involved, i am going to keep things just a little vague.

So i met this guy at a bar and we really hit it off. Hes sweet and interesting. Hes gentle and patient and hes really cute! Three days later, i lost the ring that i wear on my necklace as a reminder, and that day he told me that he really cared about me and hoped that we could be a part of each others' lives for a long time. I got a little worried. I believe in fate and i believe in signs. I couldnt help but feel that somehow my losing this ring on this day was not a meaningless coincidence. But i put it out of my mind for the time being.

Things went on for anothe three weeks and i felt like our relationship was moving too fast. He wanted a girlfriend, and the thought of having a boyfriend right now almost litterally makes me want to vomit. He felt like he cared abotu me more than i cared about him and from his point of view, he felt almost like i was using him.

So today i decided to try to put a little distance between us. I really like him and i think he is an absolutely wonderful person, but i dont want emotional attachment and i dont want to lead him on. So i basically broke it off, we decided to take a step back and reevaluate how we feel. It was all extremely mature.

But the crazy thing is, i mean the CRAZY thing: i went out after we had this discussion, i just came back into my apartment like 10 minutes ago, and the first thing that happens, I FIND THE FREAKNIG RING!!! how freaky is that. It made me feel like i had made the correct decision in not letting myself get swept away into something that probably would not have been healthy for me at this point in my life. I found the ring and i just couldnt believe it. I know this is no coincidence.

SO anyway, thats my wierd little story. I guess the point is to be open minded to the seemingly benign things that occur every day. I always believed in signs, but you just cant expect a burning bush to talk to you on like 22nd and locust. You have to be looking out more carefully. The signs are there.

my life...

... needs a stunt double. its become my new favorte phrase. i need someone to hang around and step in to handle all the crappy crap that i dont wanna deal with. 10-page term paper: time for a stunt double! time to go to work? nah-uh, time for a stunt double! akward situation, have the stunt double handle it. long boring conversation, stunt-double time! You can see the benefits here.

I've just been in such a good mood for so long. now that things are starting to get to me, i miss my happy little bubble. I think its dating... i was much happier when i was a militant non-dater. Anyhow, this is just a little complaint blurb. not much to say, and i am supposed to be writing that 10-page paper now anyway...

my life needs a stunt double... really. 'nuff said.

cover letter pt 2

hi, my name is Morgan and i am a very desperate woman. if you dont hire me i may have to move back home with my parents, or get a job waiting tables... either one is likely to end abruptly with suicide.

(enter your company's mission statement here) is my whole passion in my life, i live for (your company's mission statement). if it will get me the job, i will get (your company's mission statement) tattooed across my forehead! i'm a great leader if you dig that, and if you dont, i am an awesome follower as well. in my spare time i like to (enter your favorite hobby) and as far as campus activities go, i hold an exectuive position in (enter whatever organization you belonged to in college). i work well with others if thats what you want to hear, and if not, forget i mentioned it! i have innumerable skills. i will mop the freakin floors if you'll pay me 35K to do it. i am not willing to relocate, but i will drive 7 hours to work, work for 8, and drive 7 hours back to shower and change clothes then do it all over again... this may cost you another 5K. i have lots of job experience. i have 25 years of experience (i'm older than i look) as an (enter job title here) and it was my favorite job ever! being a (enter job title here) is all i have ever dreamed about. heres all three of my phone numbers, two e-mail addresses, two mailing addresses and about 24 copies of my resume (my printer ran out of paper or i would give you more). share them with your friends. i hope to hear from you soon.

chivalry?

So, i would never use the word 'chivalrous' to describe any of my male friends. most of the time i would say something more along the lines of 'bum' and 'jerk', but always 'friend'. but something happened the other day that was just so utterly refreshing, i had a new appreciation for the guys in my life.

i was on my way to drop off a job application and i ran into two of my guy friends outside a store on chestnut street, they were hangin out with some girls i didnt know. So i ran over to say 'hi' and chat for a while and as we were standing outside this kinda creepy guy yells something at me, which i ignored. then the guy yells out 'is that your girlfriend?' and, now this is the part that shocked me, both of my guy friends replied 'yea'. he screams at us 'shes cute' and they both go 'i know'.

now, this is a situation i have been in a number of times: out with a guy who i am not romantically involved with and when someone hits on me like that, i am usually left to fend for myself. that is, unless the guy is too aggressive or too creepy, or if i indicate to my male friend somehow that i want his help, or i just say that hes my BF. But, with guys that are just my friends, i have never had anyone just look out for me like that, without really thinking about it, automatically, without my asking.

these particular men have exhibited this behavior once before at a party. And it seems that all the guys in this circle of friends are all really on the same page on this issue. and it leaves me to wonder why they do this and other guys i know dont. maybe they think that women dont want to be protected, or maybe they think i might be interested in this rude stranger addressing me by some feature of my apparel. whatever it is, i didnt have a problem with it till yesterday.

like i said, it was just really refreshing, and i really appreciated it. and it was so novel to me, i thought i would write it down.

measuring up

i have become a true advocate of spending time alone. because of the shortage of loot, absence of a significant other, and a serious committment to getting to know myself as well as possible before this whole college thing comes to an end, i decided a couple months ago that i would spend at least one weekend night each week at home, by myself. i think a lot in this time; usually do a lot of sleeping and cleaning and reading.

I was thinking about peoples roles in each other's lives, and those lives in general. I have concluded that a big part of a lot of things we do has to do with measuring up our lives. We want a some sort of standard for comparison. We want someone else's perspective. When i spend these nights alone, committed to a certain degree of isolation, like i said i think a lot, and after all that thinking, i usually get a strong urge to call someone. I want to run these ideas past another person, but that is not what introspection is all about. I think that we crave this contact to sort of check up on how we are doing. I believe that a lot of things, outside conversation, cater to this need. Take television for example. There are a million dramas, comedies, and sitcoms to choose from. Each depicting someone's 'normal' everyday life. Why would this entertain us? Sometimes it is funny, sometimes its emotional or suspenseful, but mostly its a grounds for comparison. We can measure up our relationship troubles against someone on television and see within a half hour how they handled the situation. We can be warned of the negative consequences of certain behaviors before we had even decided to do them. We can see a dozen examples of situations we face in our own lives, played out on television, with a dozen different outcomes, in the span of a single night.

this is probably why i prefer to watch cartoons. but, nonetheless, i have always been a person who shunned standards. i dont measure myself by anyone else's standards but my own. If i am happy and i feel good in my heart, then i am doing fine, no matter what anyone else has to say. And i guess this is why i am advocating spending time alone. Even with all the effort i put into being my own person, it is hard to break the habit of wanting someone else to evaluate my life. Alone time allows you to build these personal standards, to decide what sort of person you want to be. Then it gives you the time to actually work towards that goal. I think that if you fill all your time with other people, you will find yourself always comparing, always evaluating, but never really making any progress.

So, i suppose all that is to say, even though its hard, its probably a good idea to committ some time for yourself, to avoid those things that can compell you to measure your life against something else, and to really think and evaluate your life based on you.

And if you cant handle it, watch TV (alone).

That has been my personal piece advocating my personal cause. and, before anyone says it, i realize that my blog is catering to my need to be evaluated by others. i said a degree of isolation, not a night of hermitage!

tests

i was thinking (rare occurrence, i know) just about life and stuff. i actually think a lot about life when i watch anime. i guess i am letting on about how big a nerd i actually am on the inside. so anyhow, i was thinking about how life tests you.

a lot of people feel that they are being tested when things go wrong in their lives. We tackle the challenge of rising above our problems and learning from and adapting to the situation. Its all very human. We look deep inside ourselves for the answers. was it something i did? how can i make sure this never happens again? what is the best way for me to react? what lessons can i apply to my everyday life? how does this affect my principles? Being tested is an important part of life and the way you deal with these tests is what separates an adult from a child, girl from woman, boy from man. holding on to the lessons you gain from these tests is what growing up is all about. But we arent just tested when things get hard.

i think that a finer, more subtle test in life is when things are going well. how do you handle yourself when it feels like you'ge got 'the world on a string'? Those periods in life when things just seem to fall into place are another sort of test. a test of character, a test of resolve. Because it is so easy to put away those important things you learned when things were going bad. The changes you promised yourself you would make, the lessons you said you would never forget. How quickly they all escape our minds when things are looking up. Its so easy to become full of yourself, as if your good fortune is under your control. Or to feel like these good things are things that are owed to you. To just get a general sense of cockiness.

When it feels like everything is being handed to you on a platter, and stuff just starts to fall into place, that is the real test. Thats what really separates the adults from the children. Here is the time to prove your character, not in a tearfully painful life lesson, but in those times when life is just easy.

As rare as they may be.

when life hands you...

when life hands you lemons, everyone says make lemonade. But lemonade isnt really that good and its still pretty sour. And if you dont have anything else, life is gonna have to hand you sugar, and water, and a glass and a spoon before you get lemonade out of it.

I am an optimistic realist. Life hands me a lot of crap, but i dont go tryin to use it to make mixed drinks. when everything seems to be going bad, looking at those bad things for some bright side doesnt always work. My suggestion is to look at the other things in your life. if school is stressing you out, think of the fun you had at a party last weekend. If you are having family problems, take time to appreciate your friends. Looking for that speck of good in the bad just doesnt always make sense. If you look somewhere else you will definitely find that boost you need to keep going. Cus lemons will always be lemons, whether you squeeze the juice out of them and make a summertime drink, or not. But if you look hard enough somewhere else you might find some liquor, then you can make a drink to smile about.

what it all comes down to is: when life hands you sour grapes, you cant make sour wine. and when life hands you rotten eggs, all you learn is how much stink you can put up with. and when life hands you lemons, you are gonna need more than just lemons to make that stupid lemonade.

Words of wisdom (or the lack thereof) from yours truely.

inspiration

Nate, this post is for you.

yesterday (or technically two days ago, now) i watched a football game. its the first time i watched a whole game on my own and i must say, i was quite dissappointed in the Eagle's performance. It seemed like they wanted to lose. The Bronco's offense straight played us. I'm not the type of girl who watches a game and starts screamin at the screen and whatnot, but i had the TV on mute (so i could do some studying) and i was still on my feet yellin at the screen when they made that last TD.

i have no further insight to offer because i am not a big football buff. i know the rules and a little something about strategy, but my major area of expertice was gained at HS games when i was in the marching band. I just wanted to say that i watched a game and got into it, even though it was a disappointing loss. I see why people get so into watching these games. Its fast-paced enough to keep your attention, but long enough to make it really dramatic and draw you into the game emotionally. I wholeheartedly recommend the experience of watching at least one whole game to everyone.

i NEED my TV!

Its pathetic, but i just realized how dependent i have become on television. i sleep with it on, i work with it on, i even read and write with it on (usually the volume is really low). Last night my cable went out, either because i have not paid a bill since i started service three months ago or because there is a service outtage in my area according to Comcast, whatever. It went out in the middle of the night and i could hardly sleep, either because i was 'sharing' a twin-sized blanket on a double-sized bed or because the television wasnt droning on in the background, whatever. And this morning i couldnt get up, either because i didnt have my morning cartoons as motivation or because i had been up to 5am that night, whatever.

the point is, comcast is ruining my life. i get nautious at the thought that i wont get my Star Trek TNG fix this afternoon. And i cannot clean without HGTV to motivate me. I can hardly stay awake without the happy buzzing of a cartoon and i can hardly fall asleep without the flickering light of my television set.

hey, i told you it was pathetic.

free freakin advice

Men. i am gonna give you a tip. this is probably something you have been yelled at, fought with, or even dumped for because i know for a fact that every single male human, young or old, smart or stupid. every man does this and every woman gets pissed off by it (even if she says she isnt).

If you havent figured it out by now, listen (or read) carefully: if you SAY you are gonna CALL a woman at a certain TIME, stop being a buttface and just DO IT. its not complicated. if you are prone to forget, write it on your hand or something. its really really annoying and i personally hate this. Its different if you are like "i'll call you later" or "i'll call you tomorow" is even ok. then if you dont call i am like 'whatever'. But if you're like "i have class till 4 and i will call as soon as i get out" and you just dont bother, thats just rude. As a personal rule, if this happens 3 times, i delete the guy's phone number from my phone (there are actually a number of things that will get a phone number deleted from my phone). But thats just how annoying it is.

my cover letter

My name is Morgan (last name you are gonna mispronounce) and i am graduating in June with a degree in Biomedical Engineering and a minor in Human Factors and Ergonomics. i have a pretty good GPA but i dont like biology or biomedical engineering or anything related to it. I have worked at two of the top pharmeceutical companies in the country but dont call my bosses there because they both hated me. i learned a lot on my co-ops, specifically that i hate working and everything associated with it. i am not very motivated to work for someone else and i have problems with authority. oh, and dont ask me to take out the face piercings cus its just not gonna happen. on that same note, i have 5 tattoos and will be spending the majority of my paycheck for the first few months on a whole bunch more. i dont handle stress well, and i am not a people person. i dont care about your personal life and you just dont want to know about mine. i will only go to lunch with you if you are paying and even then i wont want to talk to you so its pretty much pointless.

i am seeking a position as a lab technician, preferrably in virology or cell culture, that pays as much as possible. i want as many days off as i can get and, let me tell you now, i will be taking every single one. i want to work alone so that i dont have to talk to any scientists. i am not interested in a career with the chance for advancement because i wont kiss enough butt to advance anyway. i refuse to work late or come in on weekends so dont ask. preferrably i will have my own office so i can nap for lunch and i need my own lab so i can avoid human contact the rest of the day as well. please only submit daily instructions to me via e-mail because i am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination and i have trouble hiding it. i need a flexible schedule because i will be hungover at least one work day of almost every week. i have to work at a compay within 5 minutes of a bar because when you jerks inevitably get on my nerves, i will be hitting happy hour as soon as i can skip out for the day.

i can be contacted blah blah blah.... and i hope to hear from you soon.

iPod

iPod is a word i used to use with disgust. i would call the people who used iPods 'iPodders' or 'pod children'. i couldnt imagine how someone became so attached to their music that they would want to carry it around everywhere with them, shunning general human interaction in favor of their personal soundtrack.

you can probably guess what this is all leading up to. i have become an iPodder. and its crazy because i dont even like music. i have no idea about anything in the music industry after like 2001. i have bought less than 25 CDs in my lifetime (which look really silly in my 60CD changer). I'm just not a music person. when i am home i use the TV as background noise, when i am out i usually just enjoy the sounds of the city.

my taste in music is a little embarrassing. i really like motown and 90s pop/rnb songs. i like old reggae and older mainstream rap. the closest thing to 'cool' that i ever listen to is two-years-ago underground hip hop. so what i think i like most about my iPod is that i can be walking down the street listening to Marian Carey 'always be my baby' and noone would know it. its like an inside joke. no matter how i dress or seem to everyone else, i can be listening to the most dorky song ever written and loving it. its a simple pleasure.

what i dont like about using my iPod is how it blocks out the world. i dont realize when someone is addressing me, i cant talk on my cell phone at the same time. also, i cannot sing along with these corny songs i love. that has to be the worst part. so you can catch me iPoding it up for a while, then getting bored of it in about a week and only using the thing at the gym. Just dont ask what i'm listening to. i assure you, you dont want to know.

senioritis?

its senior year... are we having fun yet?

i really expected senior year of college to be a lot like senior year of high school: care free and occasionally irresponible fits of fun and spontaneous jubilation. instead i'm stressing. where will i live? where will i work? how will i deal with these added responsibilities? and, before i get too ahead of myself, i gotta graduate! i'm focusing on boosting my gpa, researching job options and learning about cover-letters and networking and benefit packages. its pretty overwhelming. and to top it all off, i'm flat broke. all the money i blew living it up these first four years is coming back to haunt me and my budget for fun is dwindling close to $0.

up until now, i have looked forward to each new stage of life. i looked forward to the new responsibilities and the freedoms that came along with them. but i am comfortable in this stage. i like the level of responsibility, i like the freedom, and i am not looking forward to this year being over and being thrust into the 'real world'. all this is further detracting from any possibility of fun.

i wish i had some nice, insightful solution to conclude with like i always do. but i am really just unhappy. i dont think the situation is any better than i imagine it to be. i'm 21, the best age there is to be. i can do what i want. i can still chalk up my mistakes to my youth, i am still allowed to procrastinate, be a little messier than i should be, forget things, pretend to forget things, and have it all be excused on the basis of my not being a real 'grown up" yet. but its pretty much all downhill from here...

growing up (summore)

i was thinking last night in my many hours of not being asleep (the insomnia thing is nuts). i was thinking about how my life will be after graduation. i got to wondering how a person is supposed to learn all the things a real adult needs to know. things about car inspections and mortgages. those important responsibilities that will eventually come my way. understanding my benefits package, saving for retirement, doing my own taxes, buying a car, buying a house, car insurance and insurance for my home... it seems like a never-ending list of things i dont even remotely know how to do. i was pretty prepared when i came to college, i believe moreso than a lot of people. i was always an independant person and i had a lot of life experience already, good and bad, to learn from. i was pretty in tune wtih who i am and what i was capable of and through the past 4 years i have learned even more. but it has been hard to learn these things on my own and, after i graduate, i will have to be even more independant. right now my parents pay my internet and phone bill and the interest on one of my loans. they also cover my health and dental insurance, occasionally buy me groceries, and usually do my laundry. they bought me my first and second car and always paid my car insurance. thats not to say that i am pampered. i have paid my own way through college, i worked three jobs my first year to keep myself afloat. i know how to change my own oil, i know all about my credit score, i have two little kitties that i take care of, i live by myself and i am doing pretty well on my own.

its not just about unerstanding those nitty gritty details of adult independance, its also about having the strength to really learn. my parents are very supportive and would help me in any way i asked. what will be important is to have the initiative to not just ask for help, but fully invest myself in learning these skills. when i ask my dad to help me find a car, i will have to pay attention to how he negotiates so that i can do it on myself next time. its just so much easier to let someone do something for you, but it takes effort to not let that be your downfall. to be truly independant you just cannot always be depending on someone else to do the hard things.

so now i am looking for a job, i guess the first thing on my list of things to learn is negotiating salary and benefits. i suppose the real lesson is to take things one step at a time and to utilize all the resources at my dispoal. last night, i felt really overwhelmed when i thought of all the things i would need to be in charge of when i finally graduate, but when it really comes down to it, i made it this far and i'm fine... how hard could it be?

Part 1

This is the first part in a trilogy: the right to be selfish, allowing myself to not, and extroversion. Its another self-inspection sort of thing about how I have changed. I know its monotonous, but at this point in my life, I value these self-assessments.

The right to be selfish: As a woman, a black woman no less, I have come to accept what is handed to me and do the best with it. That’s not the only reason, but I think it’s a big part. Its who I am (or was) really. Make the best of a bad situation, don’t make too many ripples. I think a lot of women behave this way, just off my observations. And I have to say I hate it. I have always hated it. Its easy at first, but when you look back on all the things you’ve given up for god knows what reason, you start to think. I have always been amazed and some peoples’ sense of self-entitlement. For instance: I have a close guy friend who I’ve known since high school. He needed a place to stay for a while while he saved up money for an apartment, so I let him stay with me. First of all, I told him at the beginning that he had a month to get himself together, and he hadn’t even started looking at places till a month and two weeks later. Secondly, when he moved in he made a big deal about how he would be a better squatter than my last one, about how he would clean up and help me out around the house. I am unpleased to report that that behavior lasted about three weeks. So he finally moves out. Not a single word of thanks the whole time, no appreciation. Then I am going on vacation for a week and I need someone to watch my cats. He offers to take them in and I bring em over with everything they need and come get em back when I get home. I see him again a couple days later and he has the nerve to tell me I should pay him for watching my cats!! Mind you, I lent this boi money months ago to get a tattoo, money he said he would repay me in two weeks, $25 of which he still owes me at this point. I was dumbfounded.

In my experience, all guys are like this. Maybe not to this exrtent, but they are raised to believe that they deserve the things they get and when they work, they deserve a reward. They are also conditioned to believe that if someone doesn’t ask for a reward or any thanks, then they don’t deserve it. I cant knock guys for how they act, I really cant. Its not even their fault, we are living in a male-dominated society, who can blame them for thinking they own the world, they kinda do! And you know what they say, if you cant beat em… so I have turned over a new leaf. I have a rigbt to be selfish too. Even moreso because most of the time I do deserve the things I ask for. I work hard to get what I want, I treat the people I care about as best I possibly can, I will give whatever I can to help a friend out. That’s me. But, it’s a man’s world and being giving and loving all the time isn’t gonna get you anywhere or any-damn-thing. So, take what you want when it comes your way, ask for what you think you deserve, no matter how absurd. Look out for number one because no matter how hard you try not to believe it, you are the only person who’s going to do so. That’s real, girls… believe it.

roaches.

i love my apartment. i really do. its like a dormroom plus two! i have one room, a walk-in closet with built in furniture, and a tiny kitchen. its what i have dreamed about since i was a kid. i always valued self-sufficiency and efficiency. i always wanted to move everything i needed into my bedroom so i didnt have to hike it up and down stairs from room to room to do what i had to do. so my apartment is what i have always wanted. everything is a few footsteps away, i have room for all my stuff (well, almost) and i have it decorated all cool, just the way i always invisioned.

the only problem is the bugs. when i moved to this building i had no idea it was infested. i keep my place clean. i wipe up spills, i wash dishes when i use them, i vacuum and dust once a week. i take out the trash almost every day, i keep food in airtight containers or the fridge and i febreeze my furniture every morning before i leave the house. what more can a girl do? theres this really old blind guy that lives in the first apartment by the door and i swear his place is the nest of all the critters. they hang out on the OUTSIDE of his door, more than three at a time. roaches, just chillin there like its ok!! i am really sad cus i feel i have the perfect apartment in teh perfect location with affordable rent and no roommates, but now i really want to move.

i'm not comfortable using pesticides because i have two kittens (and because pesticides are neurotoxins, toxic to me as well). tomorow i am going to call my maintenance people and complain, then i am gonna call my realtor and ask about breaking my lease to move out. i am really mroe concerned with making sure i dont carry any pests to my new apartment when i do finally move (my lease is up in spring and my initial plan was to move to a three-room place in germantown at that time, this is still what i would really like to do but given the circumstances i dont know how to handle this). i am thinking i should probably rent a truck and put all my crap in there, then get an exterminator to bomb the truck, let it air out, then move in to my new apartment.

i guess i am just writing about this cus i am at my wits' end. i am as clean as i could possibly be. i bought some of those sonic pest repellers, i even put down that powder to kill em. i sprayed behind the stove and under the fridge (before i left for vacation and while the cats were away). and today i am chillin on my couch watchin adult swim and a baby roach starts crawlin up my wine glass! i know its gross, it grossed me out too. before this i had only seen bugs in my tiny kitchen, or sometimes on the ceiling where i couldnt reach em to kill em. but right on my couch, liiking at me like "can i get a sip?" ITS TOO MUCH!!

The thrill of the crush

OK, so my blog is becoming love-life central. Just bear wtih me, when i am back in classes and when i get a job, i will have other things to talk about. Right now all i got for ya is introspect, so deal with it!

I used to be a chase person. I liked someone till they were too into me. I would date someone just until they started in with the words "exclusive" or "comittment" then squash it with a vengence (the sole exception being my exBF). It sounds messed up, but people gotta lighten up. We're all so young, life is great right now, relationships are a hastle, and i know that one fact more than anything. The chase is about compulsive behavior, moving fast, playing it by ear, and you just can't make a successful relationship out of something like that. Real relationships are born of friendships and romace, time and effort, much the opposite of pure chase tactics.

So anyhow, being as though i dont want to date anyone, the chase thing is out. And, in lne with my whole "loving life for life's sake" thing, i'm takin a trip back in time to when crushes were real. I have come to appreciate spending time with people with not alterior motives, no intentions, just hanging out and having fun. I also have come to appreciate liking someone from afar. I like how you can attribute whatever traits you want to a person you dont really know. Its almost magical how just seeing this person can brighten your day. No contact, no conversation, no akward flirting, no crappy first, second, last dates. Just a really innocent sort of appreciation and unrequited affection. It may sound stupid, but give it a try. Theres probably someone around thats been catching your eye. next time you see them, let yoursef feel whatever you are feeling. The tendency today is for action, why think about something if you arent going to do anything about it? Why waste the time? But if you think about how often you make a move and just wish you hadnt bothered, you will understand where i am coming from. Sometimes fiction is better than the truth. Most of the time...

So you can catch me daydreaming about the various crushes i have developed, and forming platonic reltionships instead of dating, and loving it. No pressure, no intentions, no expectations, no regrets.

Retrospect

I read through all my old blog entries (all 38 of them) and it was interesting (and i dont mean the horrible typos). I've changed so much, so many of the things that weighed heavily on my mind back then are just distant memories at this point. Co-op is over, dating is over. Some of my old problems have just been replaced by new ones: instead of vivid dreams i hardly sleep at all now, and the BF who turned into the man i loved (past tense) really betrayed me, i had never felt hurt like the one he dished out. I have had a lot of great experiences. I have a new love, we arent together, but i love him nonetheless. I got this awesome apartment in the best location i could have asked for. And two kittens to keep me company. I learned so much about so many things over the year+ that i have been (un-diligently) keeping up this blog. I even have some brand new problems. I got money issues now, bills, apartment issues, some other little crappy nagging problems, whatever. I have had two friends crash here for over a month each (which is really something else when you see the size of the studio i live in... noooo elbow room). I am DONE with dating. I had a couple really horrible experiences and a few frustrating letdowns that have led me to just swear the dating game off altogether (besides, if i play my cards just right, i could end up with the love i mentioned before). I used to hate when people said this, but i am really appreciating life for life's sake. I wake up every day and i feel so happy and free and alive. I do what i want when i want and i have nothing else to focus on besides school and being happy. I dropped out of BSMS and i picked up a minor (didnt change my major though). My minor is in human factors and ergonomics. It sounds like maybe an interior design thing, but its actually a psych degree. I have been writing a lot more thanks to the inspiration of my mentor and a great class i took with the most amazing people. If you get the chance, you should sign up for "The Culture of Respect" in the winter. I may be TAing this class. The teacher is the best on campus, hands down. Its an amazing course, you are guaranteed to learn something new and important every single week, i promise it personally. I cant even really say how smoothly things are going for me right now, its hard to describe. When stuff sucks theres a lot to think about, but (besides being short on cash) life right now is absolutely wonderful and i wouldnt change a thing.
Besides my euphoric existence: i still have only put on a bra on a handful of occasions since i swore them off. Usually because the shirt i want to wear is just too transparent to pull it off. I got my lip pierced (but i will be taking it out before i start interviewing for real jobs). I bleached some of my hair, wore it for a couple months, then dyed it all back (well, not really 'back' cus my hair used to be several shades of brown, it bleaches really easily from the sun, and i dyed it black because the brown shades looked so fake to me). At the moment i am sporting a great Florida tan (i experienced my first thong bikini on vacation this past week, but you all dont need to hear abt that [donno why i'm saying 'you all', i havent posted in so long i think i have lost all of my 3 readers]). I still miss my poppop and reading that sad blog made me so sad. I still havent mastered my bike, but i'm getting there.

Its so wierd. I just feel so much older after reading all the things i've had do say since i started my blog. I was just talking to my bestestest friend about how things have changed. I used to have a tight-knit group of friends from school, but we've gone our separate ways. I spent three years with the same boyfriend, but now hes completely out of my life. For a while i started to feel this huge sense of loss. My feelings evolved from that perspective like this: first i felt sad cus i had all these happy memories from the beginning of college. Then i felt mad that i felt this sad. Like i had wasted my time building the relationships that i did for so many of them to have fizzled away like this. But now i feel content. Things went the way they did for a reason, with school, with friends, even with my ex. And i am so happy now, i cant imaginw why i would complain. The relationships that lasted are the ones that were meant to last, and the ones that didnt werent a loss at all because of the experiences i gained and the things i learned. I would not be who i am today where i am today and as completely satisfied as i am today if things did not go exactly as they did. If i didnt break up with my BF i would have never realized how unhealthy our relationship had become, i would never have put the work and thought into developing myself to be something better than i was (even if it was mostly for his sake), i would probably have never realized that he just isnt the one for me (even if it was the most painful thing i have ever experienced). If i hadnt drifted from my friends at school, i probably wouldnt be living on my own right now (even though its tougher than i expected), i probably wouldnt have made the new friends that i have (even though i dearly miss some of my old ones), and i probably wouldnt have done half the things i did in this past nine months (even though some of those things i probably shouldnt have done). This may be my most boring blog entry to date, but its the truth. Its just mroe about growing up. Theres good and bad, but you just learn to accept live for life. shake off the bad, take solace in the good, and move forward, cus its the only place left to go. From all this i developed a new motto "Deny fear, face regrets, live lonely, die beautiful". Heres my 2-second explination: Deny fear (don’t let it occupy your mind) Face regrets (it’s the only way to get rid of them) Live lonely (guard your heart) Die beautiful (it’s the last thing you’ll ever do).

And a bonus haiku, in case anyone is reading and because i did say like a year ago that i would post more poetry:

1. a poem that lacks
   rhyme rhythm and style is
   all I have to give

HA!

Style

OK. so its back to my roots. none of you knew me in HS so you dont know the depths of my vanity back then. Perfect hair, perfect face, dressed to a tee. I would wear heels every day, high ones too. if i had bought a new piece of clothing and someone wore it to school before i did, i would return it. It was crazy. College was a great way to break out of that. Now i wear whatever, im not out to impress anyone and i think thats how it should be. Yet, despite my best most sincere efforts i have developed some sort of style. Style as defined by the people around me. I just get up, throw on whatever's handy, maybe brush my hair, maybe not, and do what i gotta do. however, my friends will see clothes in a store and tell me its something i would wear. Or i will compliment someones outfit and they will tell me about how they like how i am dressed. I'm a little puzzled by all this. I'm sure the vast majority of people see me as the non-color-coordinating, flip-flop wearing, boy's clothes buying person i am. But if anyone at all (even those few people who notice my apparel) is going to define me by a particular style, it should be myself. So this little blurb is my announcement of my return to the world of caring how i look. Just a little. I am sure i am cured of my narcissim. Well, not my narcissim, i still like to look at myself in the mirror (i think of that as a sign that i have come to accept the beauty in looking exactly as i naturally do). I am cured of my insane vanity is what i mean to say, so i am comfortable forming a more meaningful style around the person i really am and not for the sake of whatever i was doing it for all those years ago (i honestly dont know). Anyhow, the like one person who reads my blog probably doesnt care and wont remember anyway, but you can catch me in my new personalized look for fall. Big stupid debut in two weeks. Probably still wont brush my hair, but thats not the point...

Changes

I guess this is an update post. nothing to introspective or interesting to write about right now. Actually, i have been thinking a lot about school and i am considering changing my major (i am in my last 5 quarters so this may not happen, i will write more when the time comes). Otherwise classes are boring, money is tight. I love my apartment and wouldnt trade living where i live for the world. I am around so keep in touch with me and i will be in touch with you. same as always...

Some Good That'll Do....

I was thinking recently (as if it doesnt happen often). I bought some roses from this young dude up at 34th and Girard by the zoo. Not that its some intensely good deed but it put a smile on his face (and bought me a compliment on my nosering) and i was already feeling really good but it elevated my mood. So i was thinking about that saying "the good you do will come back to you" (paraphrasing). I dont think thats quite right. First off, i dont think that anyone should do something nice for someone and sit back waiting for something good to happen to them. Secondly, i think the good you do does good for you immediately. Those little nice things are good for your soul. No matter how you are feeling, if you do something nice for someone else, you'll get that warm fuzzy feeling. Try it sometime when you're feeling down. The good you do for others is good for you too, immediately. No lag time, no karma involved, no waiting.

Dreamy

I had a dream last night. I've heard that what is important in a dream is how you feel, but i am really trying to hold on to the images from this one. Last night my subconcious constructed my perfect man. I dont know if its a good thing or not, but the guy in my dreams was actually the 'man of my dreams'... wierd right? i remember exactly what he looked like, what he wore, what he smelled like. He was hot, but not crazy hot. tall and not too tall. He had a lot of grayscale tattoos his upper chest and upper back and upper arms and shoulders. He was muscular but not chiseled. I wont go into anymore detail.

Anyhow, so if what is important is how a dream makes you feel, i guess i will write that down too. He and i only spent a little time together. When we met in the dream we didnt know each other but after just a short while we were inseperable. Like all through this dream he was somewhere near me. We didnt talk and there was nothing romantic about the dream, but anytime something would happen i would look around and he would be nearby and it made me comfortable.

I guess this post is more for me than anything else. I am writing my dream down so i dont forget it. It must be some pathetic side effect of being single for too long when your mind starts just making up guys for you to crush on.

Reintroductions

Well, its been an aweful long time since the last time i posted. Things have been happening to me all crazy. this post will just have to be a general update.

First, i have been spending a lot of time writing. This will probably really suprise people that know me well. Anyone that knows me knows i am a woman of words and action, not quiet introspect and writing. But i have been writing short personal pieces and its helped me through a lot of things and also helped me become a better writer, which originally was the purpose of this blog, but i lost sight of that. So i will be doing my writing here from now on, i hope that i can promise a higher standard for quality of technique in coming posts.

Second, i am still single. I never thought it would last this long. Noone wants to hear me whine about relationship troubles so i wont, but i am saying, thats all.

Third, i turned 21! It was nothing big. Anyone in college has been pretending they were 21 since they got here so i didnt have any huge celebration or anything. I had a great dinner with my parents and spent some time with some friends. My weekend after was a little wild but there are very few witnesses to that effect so i dont feel obliged to fill my readers in. You will just have to use your imagination... or better yet, dont!

Fourth, i got a new bike! maybe that isnt as exciting to some people as it is to me but i got a refurbished track bike (fixed single-gear) and i am learning how to ride it. I am doing well, but i havent mastered the skid-stop yet so i still need my front brakes. I will probably keep them on after i am a better rider just for safety sake or if i want to resell, but soon i wont need to use them!

Finally, i got my own place! i am moving to an apartment on the western edge of center city and i can not wait! I sign lease this week. I am quitting my job as an RA (freeing up a spot for all you hopeful spring hires) and striking out on my own. I will have info on my housewarming soon.

So thats really the gist of things. Thigns are generally thumbs up with me. I am trying to focus on the sunny side for a while. I am finding myself very introspective and that will probably show up in my blog at least for a while. I know journal-like blogs can be boring, but just bear with me for a while and i promise i will snap out of it.

Always always,

Morgan :-)

Your Psychic Friend

My friend has psychic dreams. She says when she wakes up she just knows that the dream meant something. I had a dream sort of like that recently. It was really realistic and when i was actually dreaming it i remember thinking "this is important". It was kinda like int he first Harry Potter Book where he saw something in the mirror and then he had it... I will explain (the dream, not the book If you havent read it too bad for you).

I had a dream that was ectremely realistic. I was somewhere i had been before with my mom and she had given me a new calandar to start the new year. I needed one so i was really greatful she saved me the trip to Staples and i started filling it in right away. I opened to the first page to write down my new years resolutions and i wrote them before i realized the page was blank. There were no lines or anything. The pages started turning on their own (but i wasnt suprised) and the first bunch of pages were blank (i was suprised abt that). I always buy the day planner that has a week spread out on two pages in columns for each day so i can make to-do lists. So week after week of this planner was missing up until sometime in March. It was a day between the 7th and the 20th where the calandar actually started and i was pretty annoyed that there were so many blank pages cus i had a lot of stuff to put in January and February. That was the end of the dream. I read that symbols in a dream arent really that important, what is important is how the dream makes you feel. So at the beginning when my mom gave me the book i felt greatful, then i felt confused when i saw the blank pages. I felt anticipation as page after page turned over blank, and i felt kinda shocked and relieved when i got to the pages with printing on them.

Heres where the Harry Potter analogy comes in. I didnt remember this dream when i woke up in the morning. I only recalled it once i looked in my bag for my new planner and realized that i had dreamt it and that i didnt really have it with me. I remembered the whole dream as if it happened in real life and right then i realized that it was probably important. So i am recording it here and we can see if it has any correlation to anything at all in real life. Or you can analyze it if you are into that sort of thing.

Back and Better than Ever

A LOT. i mean a lot. just stuff. a lot of stuff. But its over. the year is over and i have taken the chance to start anew. Everything that i didnt like at the end of last year, i just pushed away and i forgot about it. That was 2004. Things i was struggling to do or get together, i am just putting my nose to the grindstone and doing it cus thats what growing up is all about. I have gone through a lot in relationships and personally as well. I have learned so much about myself in the past couple months. Most importantly i learned that i am at the same time a lot stronger and not as strong as i thought. I found myself breaking down in situations that i never thought would get the best of me as well as suprising myself with my strength and resolve in situations that i wouldnt have been able to deal with just a year ago.

So this blog entry is about a new beginning. I will be posting a lot more often cus i am learning a lot and taking up a bunch of new hobbies. I will not be writing about anything that happened last year. Not much has had the chance to happen this year so this blog entry is short. I made a list of new years resolutions in a little notebook where i keep track of my progress towards each one. I have set deadlines and made sure i took the first step towards each goal before the end of last year so i had a jump start. This is going to be an amazing year, for you and for me too. Stay tuned!!