im single
i dont like it
the end.
04 October 2006
27 July 2006
I want to say something
Out of pure frustration and a seething sense of betrayal. I am gonna say a few words about hurting a woman's feelings. I'm gonna speak from my own experience.
My mom always told me to choose my battles... meaning that i can't throw all my emotional effort into every little injustice. i carry those words with me so sometimes when someone i care about hurts my feelings, especially if its unintentional, i do my best to let it slide and get over it. Theres no need to make both of us feel bad over something that was just a thoughtless mistake.
But i'm a woman who finds it hard to hide her feelings.... really hard. so even when i am trying to not make a big deal over something, something i dont want to 'battle' with, most of the time the other person (usually a guy) can still tell i'm upset.
so the first thing he does is ask if i'm upset. The last thing i'll ever be called is a liar, so i answer. the inevitable second question goes like 'is it something i did?' at which point i answer honestly and simply explain that i dont like to pick over small things and if you dont mind dropping the subject we can squash it, NSA.
to which the reply is, inevitably, something like 'no, i'd rather know'. after which i generally offer a clear and concise explination of what happened, why it hurt my feelings, why i know its either not your fault or not a big deal, and why we really dont need to talk about it any further.
to which the reply is, inevitably, a pile of explanations as to why things went down the way they did, what was going through his mind, where he was coming from at that point in time, why it isn't really his fault (usually a different reason than i gave).
so whats missing? besides the entirely predictable nature of these exchanges, it sounds like a perfectly rational conversation between two relatively mature human beings.
the thing that gets me every single last time is that, after all that, after i asked to drop it, after you pressured me into talking to you about it, and after i have to listen to your list of reasons and excuses and rationalities. After all that and usually after aknowledging that you can understand how i feel..
inevitably
not a single guy has said hes sorry. and i won't get into why i think that is right now. i will just say that it happens every time and if you're a guy reading this and going 'wow, i've been there,' next time, even if you dont really get where im coming from, offer your girl an apology. sometimes it makes things all better.
My mom always told me to choose my battles... meaning that i can't throw all my emotional effort into every little injustice. i carry those words with me so sometimes when someone i care about hurts my feelings, especially if its unintentional, i do my best to let it slide and get over it. Theres no need to make both of us feel bad over something that was just a thoughtless mistake.
But i'm a woman who finds it hard to hide her feelings.... really hard. so even when i am trying to not make a big deal over something, something i dont want to 'battle' with, most of the time the other person (usually a guy) can still tell i'm upset.
so the first thing he does is ask if i'm upset. The last thing i'll ever be called is a liar, so i answer. the inevitable second question goes like 'is it something i did?' at which point i answer honestly and simply explain that i dont like to pick over small things and if you dont mind dropping the subject we can squash it, NSA.
to which the reply is, inevitably, something like 'no, i'd rather know'. after which i generally offer a clear and concise explination of what happened, why it hurt my feelings, why i know its either not your fault or not a big deal, and why we really dont need to talk about it any further.
to which the reply is, inevitably, a pile of explanations as to why things went down the way they did, what was going through his mind, where he was coming from at that point in time, why it isn't really his fault (usually a different reason than i gave).
so whats missing? besides the entirely predictable nature of these exchanges, it sounds like a perfectly rational conversation between two relatively mature human beings.
the thing that gets me every single last time is that, after all that, after i asked to drop it, after you pressured me into talking to you about it, and after i have to listen to your list of reasons and excuses and rationalities. After all that and usually after aknowledging that you can understand how i feel..
inevitably
not a single guy has said hes sorry. and i won't get into why i think that is right now. i will just say that it happens every time and if you're a guy reading this and going 'wow, i've been there,' next time, even if you dont really get where im coming from, offer your girl an apology. sometimes it makes things all better.
03 June 2006
What i think about the Bible
I've always been a Christian. After coming to college, leaving my church home, and reading the autobiography of Malcom X (that book will make you reconsider Christianity), my faith changed drastically. Before that, though, I was very knowledgeable, full of faith. I was the youngest Trustee ever at my church. I was also the youngest missionary. I served on committees as a full-fledged member planning events and making decisions about things like new choir directors and annual events and payrates for new pastors. Christianity was a huge part of my life and I was well respected for my devotion and informed, Bible-based opinions.
But, like I said, some things have changed. I am still a well-studied Christian woman. I have read the entire new testament more than once and the less boring books of the old testament (I recommend this. If you are going to claim a faith, you have to fully understand the basis). I am more of a Bible scholar now, though, than what is typically considered a church-going Christian. Many of the rituals are no longer a part of my life, my faith has diminished greatly, and I must admit that my relationship with God is sparse. Nonetheless, I do know a lot from the 15 or so years I spent studying my faith and being immersed in it.
so I sat down to write about what I think about the Bible. I recently gave a close friend some important Bible-based advice. Hearing these sorts of words from me is not something that the people close to me really can ever expect, so I think he was a little thrown off by the conversation. But, despite how my ideas have changed, I still know a whole lot. I just use that knowledge in a different way.
I think that the Bible is an amazing book. It was written by a group of individuals who had studied law, history, religion, philosophy, literature, and more importantly life. There are so many useful instructions with which to govern society. Things like "treat others as you would like to be treated" and "don't sleep with your sister" (someone had to tell us, apparently). Its a combination of the efforts of many scholars spanning many years... The equivalent of a text book today. And I approach it as such. I still believe in Jesus, I have not renounced my religion. But when I offer wisdom from the Bible, its not because I expect the listener to believe in Jesus or that I think they are Christians or should be, its because I know what went into that book. I know that the information has immense utility and relevance. Even if you think the stories are just that, "stories", if you consider the origin of those stories there is no need to dismiss them because they come from a religious text. Many people have referred to the Bible as "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth", so I guess that's my take on things.
But, like I said, some things have changed. I am still a well-studied Christian woman. I have read the entire new testament more than once and the less boring books of the old testament (I recommend this. If you are going to claim a faith, you have to fully understand the basis). I am more of a Bible scholar now, though, than what is typically considered a church-going Christian. Many of the rituals are no longer a part of my life, my faith has diminished greatly, and I must admit that my relationship with God is sparse. Nonetheless, I do know a lot from the 15 or so years I spent studying my faith and being immersed in it.
so I sat down to write about what I think about the Bible. I recently gave a close friend some important Bible-based advice. Hearing these sorts of words from me is not something that the people close to me really can ever expect, so I think he was a little thrown off by the conversation. But, despite how my ideas have changed, I still know a whole lot. I just use that knowledge in a different way.
I think that the Bible is an amazing book. It was written by a group of individuals who had studied law, history, religion, philosophy, literature, and more importantly life. There are so many useful instructions with which to govern society. Things like "treat others as you would like to be treated" and "don't sleep with your sister" (someone had to tell us, apparently). Its a combination of the efforts of many scholars spanning many years... The equivalent of a text book today. And I approach it as such. I still believe in Jesus, I have not renounced my religion. But when I offer wisdom from the Bible, its not because I expect the listener to believe in Jesus or that I think they are Christians or should be, its because I know what went into that book. I know that the information has immense utility and relevance. Even if you think the stories are just that, "stories", if you consider the origin of those stories there is no need to dismiss them because they come from a religious text. Many people have referred to the Bible as "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth", so I guess that's my take on things.
11 May 2006
direction
i am a fiercely independent woman. fiercely. i judge myself by my own standards. i make my own decisions. its what i do. and independence is extremely important to me in so many ways.
and besidese myself, my parents are the most influential people in my life. how they feel, what they say, do, or think are the only outside influences i generally consider when choosing things for myself, if i consider anything outside myself at all.
i have come to an important point in my life. i am graduating from college in a little over 30 days from now. its so scary to me, though, and i am starting to realize why. it has to do with direction.
my parents were able to guide me up to this point....
here i want to mention that i greatly admire my mother in particular. over the years she had truly become my best friend and out of everyone i am sure that she knows me the best.
like i said, my parents, especially my mom, were able to guide me up to this point. my entire life i was expressly told that i would go to college (for something scientific) and i would graduate... but then what? everyone seems to expect great things of me. my parents, my community. but noone can tell me what it is... i guess its not really their job to. but i am under a lot of pressure and i am very confused.
this is where the direction thing comes in. when my father was my age he had already dropped out of drexel (the university i attend) and had taken a job. when my mother was my age she had already been married for a year. she was about to graduate temple with a degree in architecture and really probably had less direction than i do now.
so my parents cannot tell me what to do. they cant offer me advice. they cant regale me with anecdotes about when they applied to grad school or when they found their dream job because neither has done either. they cant even relate to me on the level of being a single girl with a fierce independent streak trying to make a place for herself, trying to grow up on her own; my father for obvious reasons, and my mother because she never really was on her own, she moved from her parents home into a home with my father, she especially cannot understand me.
so i feel like i lack direction. i feel like all my parents have to offer me are warnings and regrets. warnings about the mistakes they made, regrets over the opportunities that have since passed them by. as all parents, mine want me to lead a better more fulfilled life than they had the chance to, but they cannot explain to me exactly how to go about such a thing, and i cannot seem to figure it out on my own.
grad school?
work force?
what do i want to do with the rest of my life?
i honestly wish i knew, or had someone to tell me.
and besidese myself, my parents are the most influential people in my life. how they feel, what they say, do, or think are the only outside influences i generally consider when choosing things for myself, if i consider anything outside myself at all.
i have come to an important point in my life. i am graduating from college in a little over 30 days from now. its so scary to me, though, and i am starting to realize why. it has to do with direction.
my parents were able to guide me up to this point....
here i want to mention that i greatly admire my mother in particular. over the years she had truly become my best friend and out of everyone i am sure that she knows me the best.
like i said, my parents, especially my mom, were able to guide me up to this point. my entire life i was expressly told that i would go to college (for something scientific) and i would graduate... but then what? everyone seems to expect great things of me. my parents, my community. but noone can tell me what it is... i guess its not really their job to. but i am under a lot of pressure and i am very confused.
this is where the direction thing comes in. when my father was my age he had already dropped out of drexel (the university i attend) and had taken a job. when my mother was my age she had already been married for a year. she was about to graduate temple with a degree in architecture and really probably had less direction than i do now.
so my parents cannot tell me what to do. they cant offer me advice. they cant regale me with anecdotes about when they applied to grad school or when they found their dream job because neither has done either. they cant even relate to me on the level of being a single girl with a fierce independent streak trying to make a place for herself, trying to grow up on her own; my father for obvious reasons, and my mother because she never really was on her own, she moved from her parents home into a home with my father, she especially cannot understand me.
so i feel like i lack direction. i feel like all my parents have to offer me are warnings and regrets. warnings about the mistakes they made, regrets over the opportunities that have since passed them by. as all parents, mine want me to lead a better more fulfilled life than they had the chance to, but they cannot explain to me exactly how to go about such a thing, and i cannot seem to figure it out on my own.
grad school?
work force?
what do i want to do with the rest of my life?
i honestly wish i knew, or had someone to tell me.
24 April 2006
outlets
i dont know if this blog will still serve a purpose in my life. under the tutelege of my mentor i have found a number of different outlets in which to express myself. i am a more effective verbal communicator and have improved on organizing my thoughts when i speak, and also on taking risks and speaking up instead of holding back. my writing has improved and i have written a number of poems. also, i started on a story... a piece of fiction. i just finished it a couple hours ago. i had been working on it for months.
i have to say that writing a story is the most amazing thing. the experience goes so far beyond putting the pen to paper. i was able to write down my past, present, and future. my hopes, and fears. in a piece of fiction, there is so much of ME in it. i was just astounded. my hand seemed posessed as the characters found their own voices and spoke and the settings seemed to choose and describe themselves. i feel like if i had known it was like this i would have been writing fiction for years now (as it stands, this is the first piece i have ever written). its kind of like a happy lucid dream, where you are in control in a way, but not and everything seems way too real.
anyhow. this is a brief explination of why my blog has been out of commission for so long. its partially because between school and work the past few months i have hardly had time to think, much less write. and also because i dont have thoughts that sort of just steep in my mind anymore. now i let them out one way or another.... but who knows how long this will last
i have to say that writing a story is the most amazing thing. the experience goes so far beyond putting the pen to paper. i was able to write down my past, present, and future. my hopes, and fears. in a piece of fiction, there is so much of ME in it. i was just astounded. my hand seemed posessed as the characters found their own voices and spoke and the settings seemed to choose and describe themselves. i feel like if i had known it was like this i would have been writing fiction for years now (as it stands, this is the first piece i have ever written). its kind of like a happy lucid dream, where you are in control in a way, but not and everything seems way too real.
anyhow. this is a brief explination of why my blog has been out of commission for so long. its partially because between school and work the past few months i have hardly had time to think, much less write. and also because i dont have thoughts that sort of just steep in my mind anymore. now i let them out one way or another.... but who knows how long this will last
04 March 2006
moment of midnight honesty
95% of the time, a guy is just something i like to have. something to keep around and make myself feel good: what a wonderful thing i possess. its silly and shallow and weak-minded, but at least i admit it. for so many years such things were a major preoccupation. i felt incomplete when i didnt have a BF, and when i did i would work and work to change him into something that other people would envy or at least admire. shameful, i know.
but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.
but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.
this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.
im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.
but these days i live for the other 5% of the time. that rare occurrence when i meet someone who could really mean something to me or someone who i really want to get to know. Someone that i want for them to want to be around me, not to possess but to share something interesting, if not special, with just them.
but this mindset poses its own set of problems as such men are few and far between. and even when i come across one, the chances are equally dismal of him actually being interested in me. and when that dissappointment surfaces, i have no fall-back guy to pump my ego. :sigh: i have only met two or three such men in recent days and failed in creating something romantic with any of them, not to say that it was a waste of time. but its increasingly difficult to keep myself from just dating any attractive thing that comes my way, or falling back into a relationship with someone i already decided isnt right for me.
this is a pretty pathetic entry, brought on by my meeting someone new and interesting who i really want to get to know seriously. and facing the possible third dissappointment of the past 6 months. i guess i'll never know if i dont at least give it the ol' college try. but the sheer pitiful-ness of this entry will probably lead me to delete it in the morning.
im not a woman who centers her life around romance anymore. i'm pretty anti-relationships and rather frigid to be perfectly honest. but every once in a while i will meet someone who makes me feel like i would have something to loose by not getting closer to them. i guess the point is that this is one of those times. and the second point (yea, there can be two) is that this is one of those honest, introspective moments that only happens at 2 am after a full day of work and an equally exhausting night. sorry for the self-centered nature of it all. i promise more interesting writing next time.
02 March 2006
i wish...
if i had a super power, i just decided what i would want it to be. I would want the power to stop time... i guess its not all that super.
the thing is, i want to do so many things right now. i have a reading list thousands of pages long. i want to practice my writing. pracice my speaking. to just work on certain things i need to change to become a better individual in general. i want to take a lot of time to spend alone doing these things, but not have the rest of the world pass me by. and its not that i cant do them with my life proceeding as normal, but i dont have the patience for it. i have been working on the same book for over a week. i love it but i got so frustrated with it taking so long that i have started two other books since and now i am splitting my time between all three.
what prompts me to say this is that its thursday night, im 22 years old and 14 weeks from graduating college. there is no reason i should not go out tonight and have a good time with my friends. but i really want to stay at home and finish at least one of these books tonight. its a real conundrum. ha.
but if i had the power to stop time, i could stop the world and just go on for weeks reading and writing my days away, without classes or work or anything else to interrupt. then i could resume where i left off in the real world with all my new knowledge intact. you gotta admit it would be nice.
finally, i want to say that if my writing is a little convoluted right now, its because i am reading a novel that was translated from French. Translations are never perfect and what i read definitely affects how i write.
p.s. i think im gonna go out after all.
the thing is, i want to do so many things right now. i have a reading list thousands of pages long. i want to practice my writing. pracice my speaking. to just work on certain things i need to change to become a better individual in general. i want to take a lot of time to spend alone doing these things, but not have the rest of the world pass me by. and its not that i cant do them with my life proceeding as normal, but i dont have the patience for it. i have been working on the same book for over a week. i love it but i got so frustrated with it taking so long that i have started two other books since and now i am splitting my time between all three.
what prompts me to say this is that its thursday night, im 22 years old and 14 weeks from graduating college. there is no reason i should not go out tonight and have a good time with my friends. but i really want to stay at home and finish at least one of these books tonight. its a real conundrum. ha.
but if i had the power to stop time, i could stop the world and just go on for weeks reading and writing my days away, without classes or work or anything else to interrupt. then i could resume where i left off in the real world with all my new knowledge intact. you gotta admit it would be nice.
finally, i want to say that if my writing is a little convoluted right now, its because i am reading a novel that was translated from French. Translations are never perfect and what i read definitely affects how i write.
p.s. i think im gonna go out after all.
28 February 2006
updates yet again
i feel like something important is going on with me right now, but i cant put my finger on it. however, i have decided to start blogging again so i will be right here and ready to document whatever it is that is on my horizon.
it is perhaps that i feel a lot less uncertain about things than i did a few months ago. I have a future roommate, we are moving in together either in april or may (i have decided that no matter what my employment situation, i will be in philly for another year). i have a job, a super-crappy job at rite aid, but a job nonetheless. if worst comes to worst it will pay my rent.
i have new uncertainties too, related to my last post. but these are exciting ones like where might i go to interior design school? setting up informational interviews with people in my field to learn what i need to do to achieve my goals. checking out a whole new job market for design professionals and hoping to get my foot in the door. all these things genuinely excite me, though, so i am way less anxious than i was when this term started.
i think i just have a general sense of contentedness. i was depressed for a long while and now that its lifted once again, i feel like i dont really have a care in the world. like i can count on everything working out in the end. boundless confidence.
so, that was extremely circuitous. it really doesnt have much to do with what i was saying in the beginning. i feel like something important is happening to me, unrelated to all those things. as soon as i figure out what, you (my few loyal readers) will be the first to know.
it is perhaps that i feel a lot less uncertain about things than i did a few months ago. I have a future roommate, we are moving in together either in april or may (i have decided that no matter what my employment situation, i will be in philly for another year). i have a job, a super-crappy job at rite aid, but a job nonetheless. if worst comes to worst it will pay my rent.
i have new uncertainties too, related to my last post. but these are exciting ones like where might i go to interior design school? setting up informational interviews with people in my field to learn what i need to do to achieve my goals. checking out a whole new job market for design professionals and hoping to get my foot in the door. all these things genuinely excite me, though, so i am way less anxious than i was when this term started.
i think i just have a general sense of contentedness. i was depressed for a long while and now that its lifted once again, i feel like i dont really have a care in the world. like i can count on everything working out in the end. boundless confidence.
so, that was extremely circuitous. it really doesnt have much to do with what i was saying in the beginning. i feel like something important is happening to me, unrelated to all those things. as soon as i figure out what, you (my few loyal readers) will be the first to know.
25 February 2006
For the Future
Im not the type of person who plans for the future. im a pretty morbid girl and never really expected to live this long (i feel ancient at age 22!). i dont think i can really count on tomorow so i dont really bother.
but senior year of college will force you to face your future, as certain or otherwise as it may be. i was terrified at the thought of spending my life as a biomedical engineer and nauseated at the thought of making a real decision, deciding what excited me and what i really wanted to do with my life. Something had been in the back of my mind for years, but i was afraid to admit it.
a good friend of mine and a great teacher says 'i believe in destiny, but destiny wont do all the work. you have to meet your destiny halfway. you have to seek it out'. For once in my life i feel like my destiny found me, and all it took was some mental preparation. I had been calling 2006 'the year of destiny' and it has exceeded its title already (its only february).
so if you have been wondering, i have decided to go into interior design. I have developed a real passion for beautifying interiors and i am confident that i will meet success. For at least the past two years, every time i walked into a room, the first thing on my mind is 'how can i make this space better?' and i dont think its that big a stretch from my degree in biomechanics and minor in ergonomics. i cant help but feel that some of my closest family friends will be dissappointed in me.
I come from a clan of scientists and technical professionals. But i recently learned that i also come from a mother who made the decision i was about to make. Who pursued a technical career to please her family but had always yearned for a more artistic profession. And who, at 48, still regrets the decision and wants something better for her daughter, even if it means a level of financial uncertainty. i love my mommy and 2006 still holds a lot of suprises for me. I will spend the next 10 months actively seeking out my destiny, keep your fingers crossed for me.
but senior year of college will force you to face your future, as certain or otherwise as it may be. i was terrified at the thought of spending my life as a biomedical engineer and nauseated at the thought of making a real decision, deciding what excited me and what i really wanted to do with my life. Something had been in the back of my mind for years, but i was afraid to admit it.
a good friend of mine and a great teacher says 'i believe in destiny, but destiny wont do all the work. you have to meet your destiny halfway. you have to seek it out'. For once in my life i feel like my destiny found me, and all it took was some mental preparation. I had been calling 2006 'the year of destiny' and it has exceeded its title already (its only february).
so if you have been wondering, i have decided to go into interior design. I have developed a real passion for beautifying interiors and i am confident that i will meet success. For at least the past two years, every time i walked into a room, the first thing on my mind is 'how can i make this space better?' and i dont think its that big a stretch from my degree in biomechanics and minor in ergonomics. i cant help but feel that some of my closest family friends will be dissappointed in me.
I come from a clan of scientists and technical professionals. But i recently learned that i also come from a mother who made the decision i was about to make. Who pursued a technical career to please her family but had always yearned for a more artistic profession. And who, at 48, still regrets the decision and wants something better for her daughter, even if it means a level of financial uncertainty. i love my mommy and 2006 still holds a lot of suprises for me. I will spend the next 10 months actively seeking out my destiny, keep your fingers crossed for me.
26 January 2006
analogous to...
k. this is gonna sound totally chiche... but dig it.
i came up with an analogy i think is pretty cool... on my walk home today from school (didnt mean to rhyme here).
my life is like a potted flowering plant. to drive the final nail into the cliche coffin, call it a rosebush. My roots are confined by the stereotypes and oppression of American society, my stem is trimmed and trained by my parents to grot tall and true. to grow up proud and beautiful in the way they have directed me. But the thing about a plant is that you can trim abberant branches without causing harm, and sometimes its good to pluck extra leaves. But when the roses begin to bloom, you cannot control the blossoms.
That is where i am now. I am at a point in my life where all my parents can do is give me sunlight and water, that is nurture me and help me out when i need it. they can shore up my stem if it becomes weak. but they cant change my blossoms.
i guess that its not just my parents, but all the people that i have let influence my life. Another side to the analogy is that if i let too many negative things or people into my life, they will block my sunlight and taint my soil. The blossoms of a plant will inevitably reflect that.
Its a corny analogy, i take it all back.
:-P
i came up with an analogy i think is pretty cool... on my walk home today from school (didnt mean to rhyme here).
my life is like a potted flowering plant. to drive the final nail into the cliche coffin, call it a rosebush. My roots are confined by the stereotypes and oppression of American society, my stem is trimmed and trained by my parents to grot tall and true. to grow up proud and beautiful in the way they have directed me. But the thing about a plant is that you can trim abberant branches without causing harm, and sometimes its good to pluck extra leaves. But when the roses begin to bloom, you cannot control the blossoms.
That is where i am now. I am at a point in my life where all my parents can do is give me sunlight and water, that is nurture me and help me out when i need it. they can shore up my stem if it becomes weak. but they cant change my blossoms.
i guess that its not just my parents, but all the people that i have let influence my life. Another side to the analogy is that if i let too many negative things or people into my life, they will block my sunlight and taint my soil. The blossoms of a plant will inevitably reflect that.
Its a corny analogy, i take it all back.
:-P
15 January 2006
Inspired
I just remembered something... as it usually goes in the wee hours. hearkening back to that whole entry about signs. I have a necklace that my ex BF gave me. I usually keep it tucked away, angry memories and all... but i decided to wear it recently and it actually looked really good (i was honestly suprised).
but theni went out and i passed out on my friend's couch and woke up and it was broken. i must have broken it in my sleep... hope its a good sign and hes not like dead or something. i'll be keepin my eyes open. :-)
but theni went out and i passed out on my friend's couch and woke up and it was broken. i must have broken it in my sleep... hope its a good sign and hes not like dead or something. i'll be keepin my eyes open. :-)
uninspired
i desperately want to write a nice little blog entry right now. i have been rereading my blog and reading other peoples back entries all day looking for inspiration. sorry to say that i have found none. i think my life is becoming a little covert. theres stuff thts on my mind that i am not at liberty to discuss, or that isnt really something i would want people reading about. Its funny to me cus i am such an 'open-book' sort of girl... to suddenly have so many secrets. i feel like i am in the middle of some intense 'noir' situation and i should be walking around in a wide-brimmed black hat with a scarf and shades and a trench coat... smoke cigarettes with a really long holder and be smug and mysterious... and wear really dark lipstick so it shows up in black and white.... whatever.
like i said, im uninspired... but what are you? the boss of blog entries?
:-P
like i said, im uninspired... but what are you? the boss of blog entries?
:-P
10 January 2006
Unwanted lessons
Tomorow i have an interview for a job i want desperately. I have prepared, i set out my clotes. I checked and double-checked the time and location. I even google searched the interviewer... borderline stalker tactics! Im ready!
But i think i am nervous. I honestly do not know what nervous feels like. Its not something i have experienced before. I have no trouble talking in front of people, no problem taking tests. I dont worry about much so i have never really had occasion to feel nervous before... which, up until tonight i would have called a good thing.
But now i think i am nervous. Any time someone asks me about the big interview, i feel queasy... and i am not feeling tired even thought i got up at 10 (really early for me) this morning. If i had felt this sensation before, i would know how to handle it, but i am at a loss. And i dont want to admit to anyone close to me that i am feeling nervous, even if they could offer some advice. I was proud of my never having felt this way... and now i dont have that claim to fame.
So far this year i have had another experience like this, but it is anothe story. I learned in May what 'anxiety' is. That was disturbing. Another sensation i had never experienced that came on at a really horrible time. But thats another entry folks.
If you read this, do me a favor and dont mention the interview. If it went exceptionally well, i will let you know, i promise.
But i think i am nervous. I honestly do not know what nervous feels like. Its not something i have experienced before. I have no trouble talking in front of people, no problem taking tests. I dont worry about much so i have never really had occasion to feel nervous before... which, up until tonight i would have called a good thing.
But now i think i am nervous. Any time someone asks me about the big interview, i feel queasy... and i am not feeling tired even thought i got up at 10 (really early for me) this morning. If i had felt this sensation before, i would know how to handle it, but i am at a loss. And i dont want to admit to anyone close to me that i am feeling nervous, even if they could offer some advice. I was proud of my never having felt this way... and now i dont have that claim to fame.
So far this year i have had another experience like this, but it is anothe story. I learned in May what 'anxiety' is. That was disturbing. Another sensation i had never experienced that came on at a really horrible time. But thats another entry folks.
If you read this, do me a favor and dont mention the interview. If it went exceptionally well, i will let you know, i promise.
05 January 2006
updates. again.
Havent posted in a while. i have a loose policy against having too many posts ina row with no comments so i was kinda waiting (thanks Tammy!). Some crazy stuff has gone down with the young man from the last post. Once again, out of respect for him i wont post the allegations... but its quite a tale, you should be sad that you cant read about it. HA! i've also been pretty sick. holed up in my little apartment sucking down hot tea and eating lunchmeat sandwiches (and not showering... really, you should smell me). But im back in action and as soon as the inspiration strikes, i will be posting like crazy. Its hard to think of something to write when you havent seen the light of day in almost a week. Anyhow, happy new year to anyone who hasnt heard it from me yet, and i am letting you know now that my birthday is on Feb 3rd.... so dont forget! :-D
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