OK, so my blog is becoming love-life central. Just bear wtih me, when i am back in classes and when i get a job, i will have other things to talk about. Right now all i got for ya is introspect, so deal with it!
I used to be a chase person. I liked someone till they were too into me. I would date someone just until they started in with the words "exclusive" or "comittment" then squash it with a vengence (the sole exception being my exBF). It sounds messed up, but people gotta lighten up. We're all so young, life is great right now, relationships are a hastle, and i know that one fact more than anything. The chase is about compulsive behavior, moving fast, playing it by ear, and you just can't make a successful relationship out of something like that. Real relationships are born of friendships and romace, time and effort, much the opposite of pure chase tactics.
So anyhow, being as though i dont want to date anyone, the chase thing is out. And, in lne with my whole "loving life for life's sake" thing, i'm takin a trip back in time to when crushes were real. I have come to appreciate spending time with people with not alterior motives, no intentions, just hanging out and having fun. I also have come to appreciate liking someone from afar. I like how you can attribute whatever traits you want to a person you dont really know. Its almost magical how just seeing this person can brighten your day. No contact, no conversation, no akward flirting, no crappy first, second, last dates. Just a really innocent sort of appreciation and unrequited affection. It may sound stupid, but give it a try. Theres probably someone around thats been catching your eye. next time you see them, let yoursef feel whatever you are feeling. The tendency today is for action, why think about something if you arent going to do anything about it? Why waste the time? But if you think about how often you make a move and just wish you hadnt bothered, you will understand where i am coming from. Sometimes fiction is better than the truth. Most of the time...
So you can catch me daydreaming about the various crushes i have developed, and forming platonic reltionships instead of dating, and loving it. No pressure, no intentions, no expectations, no regrets.
16 September 2005
13 September 2005
Retrospect
I read through all my old blog entries (all 38 of them) and it was interesting (and i dont mean the horrible typos). I've changed so much, so many of the things that weighed heavily on my mind back then are just distant memories at this point. Co-op is over, dating is over. Some of my old problems have just been replaced by new ones: instead of vivid dreams i hardly sleep at all now, and the BF who turned into the man i loved (past tense) really betrayed me, i had never felt hurt like the one he dished out. I have had a lot of great experiences. I have a new love, we arent together, but i love him nonetheless. I got this awesome apartment in the best location i could have asked for. And two kittens to keep me company. I learned so much about so many things over the year+ that i have been (un-diligently) keeping up this blog. I even have some brand new problems. I got money issues now, bills, apartment issues, some other little crappy nagging problems, whatever. I have had two friends crash here for over a month each (which is really something else when you see the size of the studio i live in... noooo elbow room). I am DONE with dating. I had a couple really horrible experiences and a few frustrating letdowns that have led me to just swear the dating game off altogether (besides, if i play my cards just right, i could end up with the love i mentioned before). I used to hate when people said this, but i am really appreciating life for life's sake. I wake up every day and i feel so happy and free and alive. I do what i want when i want and i have nothing else to focus on besides school and being happy. I dropped out of BSMS and i picked up a minor (didnt change my major though). My minor is in human factors and ergonomics. It sounds like maybe an interior design thing, but its actually a psych degree. I have been writing a lot more thanks to the inspiration of my mentor and a great class i took with the most amazing people. If you get the chance, you should sign up for "The Culture of Respect" in the winter. I may be TAing this class. The teacher is the best on campus, hands down. Its an amazing course, you are guaranteed to learn something new and important every single week, i promise it personally. I cant even really say how smoothly things are going for me right now, its hard to describe. When stuff sucks theres a lot to think about, but (besides being short on cash) life right now is absolutely wonderful and i wouldnt change a thing.
Besides my euphoric existence: i still have only put on a bra on a handful of occasions since i swore them off. Usually because the shirt i want to wear is just too transparent to pull it off. I got my lip pierced (but i will be taking it out before i start interviewing for real jobs). I bleached some of my hair, wore it for a couple months, then dyed it all back (well, not really 'back' cus my hair used to be several shades of brown, it bleaches really easily from the sun, and i dyed it black because the brown shades looked so fake to me). At the moment i am sporting a great Florida tan (i experienced my first thong bikini on vacation this past week, but you all dont need to hear abt that [donno why i'm saying 'you all', i havent posted in so long i think i have lost all of my 3 readers]). I still miss my poppop and reading that sad blog made me so sad. I still havent mastered my bike, but i'm getting there.
Its so wierd. I just feel so much older after reading all the things i've had do say since i started my blog. I was just talking to my bestestest friend about how things have changed. I used to have a tight-knit group of friends from school, but we've gone our separate ways. I spent three years with the same boyfriend, but now hes completely out of my life. For a while i started to feel this huge sense of loss. My feelings evolved from that perspective like this: first i felt sad cus i had all these happy memories from the beginning of college. Then i felt mad that i felt this sad. Like i had wasted my time building the relationships that i did for so many of them to have fizzled away like this. But now i feel content. Things went the way they did for a reason, with school, with friends, even with my ex. And i am so happy now, i cant imaginw why i would complain. The relationships that lasted are the ones that were meant to last, and the ones that didnt werent a loss at all because of the experiences i gained and the things i learned. I would not be who i am today where i am today and as completely satisfied as i am today if things did not go exactly as they did. If i didnt break up with my BF i would have never realized how unhealthy our relationship had become, i would never have put the work and thought into developing myself to be something better than i was (even if it was mostly for his sake), i would probably have never realized that he just isnt the one for me (even if it was the most painful thing i have ever experienced). If i hadnt drifted from my friends at school, i probably wouldnt be living on my own right now (even though its tougher than i expected), i probably wouldnt have made the new friends that i have (even though i dearly miss some of my old ones), and i probably wouldnt have done half the things i did in this past nine months (even though some of those things i probably shouldnt have done). This may be my most boring blog entry to date, but its the truth. Its just mroe about growing up. Theres good and bad, but you just learn to accept live for life. shake off the bad, take solace in the good, and move forward, cus its the only place left to go. From all this i developed a new motto "Deny fear, face regrets, live lonely, die beautiful". Heres my 2-second explination: Deny fear (don’t let it occupy your mind) Face regrets (it’s the only way to get rid of them) Live lonely (guard your heart) Die beautiful (it’s the last thing you’ll ever do).
And a bonus haiku, in case anyone is reading and because i did say like a year ago that i would post more poetry:
Besides my euphoric existence: i still have only put on a bra on a handful of occasions since i swore them off. Usually because the shirt i want to wear is just too transparent to pull it off. I got my lip pierced (but i will be taking it out before i start interviewing for real jobs). I bleached some of my hair, wore it for a couple months, then dyed it all back (well, not really 'back' cus my hair used to be several shades of brown, it bleaches really easily from the sun, and i dyed it black because the brown shades looked so fake to me). At the moment i am sporting a great Florida tan (i experienced my first thong bikini on vacation this past week, but you all dont need to hear abt that [donno why i'm saying 'you all', i havent posted in so long i think i have lost all of my 3 readers]). I still miss my poppop and reading that sad blog made me so sad. I still havent mastered my bike, but i'm getting there.
Its so wierd. I just feel so much older after reading all the things i've had do say since i started my blog. I was just talking to my bestestest friend about how things have changed. I used to have a tight-knit group of friends from school, but we've gone our separate ways. I spent three years with the same boyfriend, but now hes completely out of my life. For a while i started to feel this huge sense of loss. My feelings evolved from that perspective like this: first i felt sad cus i had all these happy memories from the beginning of college. Then i felt mad that i felt this sad. Like i had wasted my time building the relationships that i did for so many of them to have fizzled away like this. But now i feel content. Things went the way they did for a reason, with school, with friends, even with my ex. And i am so happy now, i cant imaginw why i would complain. The relationships that lasted are the ones that were meant to last, and the ones that didnt werent a loss at all because of the experiences i gained and the things i learned. I would not be who i am today where i am today and as completely satisfied as i am today if things did not go exactly as they did. If i didnt break up with my BF i would have never realized how unhealthy our relationship had become, i would never have put the work and thought into developing myself to be something better than i was (even if it was mostly for his sake), i would probably have never realized that he just isnt the one for me (even if it was the most painful thing i have ever experienced). If i hadnt drifted from my friends at school, i probably wouldnt be living on my own right now (even though its tougher than i expected), i probably wouldnt have made the new friends that i have (even though i dearly miss some of my old ones), and i probably wouldnt have done half the things i did in this past nine months (even though some of those things i probably shouldnt have done). This may be my most boring blog entry to date, but its the truth. Its just mroe about growing up. Theres good and bad, but you just learn to accept live for life. shake off the bad, take solace in the good, and move forward, cus its the only place left to go. From all this i developed a new motto "Deny fear, face regrets, live lonely, die beautiful". Heres my 2-second explination: Deny fear (don’t let it occupy your mind) Face regrets (it’s the only way to get rid of them) Live lonely (guard your heart) Die beautiful (it’s the last thing you’ll ever do).
And a bonus haiku, in case anyone is reading and because i did say like a year ago that i would post more poetry:
- a poem that lacks
rhyme rhythm and style is
all I have to give
Style
OK. so its back to my roots. none of you knew me in HS so you dont know the depths of my vanity back then. Perfect hair, perfect face, dressed to a tee. I would wear heels every day, high ones too. if i had bought a new piece of clothing and someone wore it to school before i did, i would return it. It was crazy. College was a great way to break out of that. Now i wear whatever, im not out to impress anyone and i think thats how it should be. Yet, despite my best most sincere efforts i have developed some sort of style. Style as defined by the people around me. I just get up, throw on whatever's handy, maybe brush my hair, maybe not, and do what i gotta do. however, my friends will see clothes in a store and tell me its something i would wear. Or i will compliment someones outfit and they will tell me about how they like how i am dressed. I'm a little puzzled by all this. I'm sure the vast majority of people see me as the non-color-coordinating, flip-flop wearing, boy's clothes buying person i am. But if anyone at all (even those few people who notice my apparel) is going to define me by a particular style, it should be myself. So this little blurb is my announcement of my return to the world of caring how i look. Just a little. I am sure i am cured of my narcissim. Well, not my narcissim, i still like to look at myself in the mirror (i think of that as a sign that i have come to accept the beauty in looking exactly as i naturally do). I am cured of my insane vanity is what i mean to say, so i am comfortable forming a more meaningful style around the person i really am and not for the sake of whatever i was doing it for all those years ago (i honestly dont know). Anyhow, the like one person who reads my blog probably doesnt care and wont remember anyway, but you can catch me in my new personalized look for fall. Big stupid debut in two weeks. Probably still wont brush my hair, but thats not the point...
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